Wife has shut me out completely

I have a similar(ish) situation with a partner of 20 years that is diagnosed with bipolar but every mental health worker I speak to about her sends me pamphlets and advice regarding living with someone with BPD.. Our situation is different than yours but there are distinct similarities..

I don't know what to say other than it sounds like (and if she has that condition) it is not your fault.. be kind to yourself, I know the allure when they love bomb you, it feels so good, especially if you feel the same.

But unless she gets a diagnosis and takes it seriously your going to continue to be on a roller-coaster...

Look after you, you have to do that first, it's bloody hard (trust me I know) but if you don't look after you, you can't be there for anyone else.

P.S. I have PTSD too, from traumatic events in our relationship, it's hard work even without an unstable partner, but more so with one.

Hi @HJ23 ,

With BPD, I feel like I've been in a similar situation. However, this time, from the 'other' side. I was the one that locked people out of my life. At first, I blamed them for being the cause of my problems, but over time, I learnt to realise I was the problem.

As much as I tried to run away from people, including my own family, I couldn't run away from myself. I moved interstate to get away from all the people I knew. It was like a honeymoon period for the first 6 months, but after that, it all turned to mush again.

I had to wake up to myself and the common denominator was ME. And I had no one to blame but myself.

This took years to understand.

But it was by being on my own in my own space that I myself reached out for support. I realised I needed help. By accepting this understanding, I was at the beginning of my recovery.

Long story short, I couldn't have people 'interfere' with my recovery. I needed to know that I was the problem and I needed to seek help myself. I could no longer blame other people and rely on them for my recovery.

However, this is MY story. Your wife's story may be completely different. I just know that if I didn't have 'space', I would still be blaming others for my issues.

I'd encourage you to let her know you are there for her. Keep the doors open and let her know you love her.

Hold onto hope.

Kindest, BPDSurvivor (a borderline)

@HJ23 I don't want to sound unsympathetic but I would suggest that what is happening in your marriage is a characteristic of the very difficult and painful dynamics that play out in many relationships. That has been both my personal experience and what I have observed with many friend and acquaintances over my life time.

Psychiatric diagnoses are considered by many experts to be highly dubious at the best of times. In my opinion, trying to define the problems of your relationship with your wife in terms of them is only going to unnecessarily complicate things.

When relationships go wrong they can be one of the most difficult and challenging things we humans have to face and try and deal with. If you are more emotionally susceptible than some it will intensify the experience even more.

I guess what I am suggesting is that you try and be kind to yourself over your feelings of distress, anger, inadequacy etc. It is a very hard for almost anybody including your wife most likely.

I feel like you are so lost and alone. I'm concerned that your psychologist labelled your partner with a complex mental illness amidst your struggles to grasp the world around you. That in itself has the potential to contribute even more stress. I think it's important for you to have sound guidance and support with understanding your life and your relationships. I wonder if you communicated to wife your psychologist's conclusions of her being BPD. If so, I know it would have been humiliating for her. It could have even mistakenly made her feel like you are both pointing blame on her for being the root of your struggle with PTSD. Thus, causing her to withdraw from you. If this isn't something you discussed, I wonder if your behaviour toward her was altered and she could sense it.

I'm not completely convinced that BPD is a factor here. I feel as though your wife genuinely cared about you and it became corrosive to her to consistently see you in pain. I think she may have recoiled resigning to the fact that she was powerless to ease your suffering. I also think she was not equipped or had the capacity to support you correctly. You are NOT to blame here. PTSD has a lot to answer for. I believe, with deep sadness, that PTSD has robbed you in your life.

How are you @HJ23 ?

Hi @BPDSurvivor. thanks for asking. Honestly not great. Spoke to my wife last night, at first it was going great, until I tried to speak with her. Then she went cold and she said she needed space and the kids can’t handle being near me. Then I caught her in a lie. I know she hasn’t worn her wedding rings for the last two weeks,.. but she told me she has been etc. I feel so torn and don’t understand why she wants to still be “together” but live “apart”. I assume she is looking for a new partner…

Sorry to hear what is happening @HJ23 .

At this point, I am concerned for your own health. Do you have someone you can speak to e.g. a therapist or counsellor?

We may not be able to do much to change your wife's actions, but we can support you to maintain your own mental health and wellbeing.

I'm also a bit confused when you mentioned she wants to be together but live apart. Doesn't sound like it is for the children's sake? Is it because of financial security and a roof over her head?

Now, from a borderline's perspective...

Perhaps she's such an emotional mess that she doesn't know what she wants. She is not satisfied with her current life and is seeking other forms of gratification. From my lived experience, sooner or later she will realise nothing satisfies longer term unless the root of the issue is resolved. Otherwise, it's bandaid upon bandaid.

For me, i blamed my issues on everyone else. But when I separated myself and still had the issues, I realised I needed to look inward - not outward. This takes time.

Sounds like she may be an emotional wreck at the moment - without even realising.

Is she willing to get support? Marriage counselling etc.?