figuring out my symptoms

Sure am one of those people you are referring to @strugglecity !

Diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s, but symptoms began in my late teens. I didn’t understand the diagnostic criteria until it was explained to be years later. I couldn’t find any BPD supports for 10 years.

I hated my diagnosis because it ruled my life. And when I end up in hospitals, I didn’t seem to be taken seriously because of the label. It was a tough the ride to get rid of me as soon as they could.

But my emotional pain was only so real. I sabotaged all my relationships and just wanted to hide. However, I could hold down a job and that’s why people said I was ‘faking it’. This hurt me a lot.

At first they gave me meds for bipolar. Not years later, it clearly wasn’t. The meds had little effect.

I felt I was going crazy in my own head. I spent my years crying and wanting to die.

Fast forward, an amazing mental health team took me under their wing. After heaps of therapy and a lot of hard work and grit, I couldn’t be in a better place now.

Happy to answer any questions you have. You can also visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

hey! thanks for responding. i’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through all that hardship in your life. i fortunately don’t experience symptoms that severe so it’s especially tricky for me to really understand what’s going on. i feel i identify with a lot of borderline characteristics and these characteristics have affected my romantic relationships in particular and pushed these people away. i am extremely fearful about the idea of my partner hurting or abandoning me in some way in the future. i feel like this fear controls the way i behave in relationships. whenever i notice a flaw in my partner that i perceive to potentially be a threat to me, i get very distressed about it and respond to these feelings by doing what i can to control my partner and make them change or suppress these flaws. i’m very intolerant of flaws and that all comes back to feeling like it somehow threatens me. whether it be that they have a hobby that deep down inside i fear will become a priority above me one day, or they have an attraction to something that i feel represents something bad about them and will one day lead to unfaithfulness. i get very emotionally distressed by any signs of unfaithfulness or betrayal and that’s why i set very harsh boundaries with my partners, can often be threatening and i choose people who are extremely emotionally available so i’ll never feel unsafe. if i dated a guy who was emotionally unavailable in any way i think i would run away immediately and shut down my feelings. i also seem to have chosen partners who to me seem vulnerable and needy, making them rely on me more and they are easier to manipulate. i don’t want to be manipulative and i try so hard to stop myself from being domineering and create equality in the relationship, but i find it impossibly challenging. i am aware that my behavior can be emotionally abusive at times and i feel really ashamed of myself for this but feel i can’t stop because of my fears. these are some symptoms i feel that i have that relate to borderline.

but a few things that make me think i don’t have borderline are that it only seems to really impact romantic relationships. my relationships with my friends and family are pretty healthy and i feel a lot more secure in them. i’m also not impulsive or reckless at all and basically never do things that put me at risk. i think through all my decisions before i make them and i don’t enjoy seeking thrills at all. the only times i’m impulsive are when i impulsively say mean things or react terribly towards my partners. but i do feel this is more compulsive than impulsive because it feels more like an anxious need than a thoughtless decision, which is worth noting. i also don’t think i dissociate, the only times i even felt close to this was when relationship issues feel so intense that i start to feel like i’m living in a movie and life feels surreal. or if i found out my partner did something really bad that hurts me a lot, sometimes i feel in denial about it like it’s all just a dream, but i know it’s not, i just wish it was because i don’t want to break up but i don’t want to have to accept it either. that’s another issue i have, i find it so impossible to break up even when things feel really difficult. the idea of being alone and not having a companion by my side scares me so much. i feel so empty without my partner by my side. i was actually a lot happier when i was single for a period of time after my last relationship, but that’s also because i entered into a very deep friendship with a guy who had nothing better to do than to talk to me every day (it was during lockdown so makes sense) and that guy ended up being my current partner. sounds unhealthy, i know. i know that my partner is a good man and i just want to be able to be healthy because i feel like i am the problem that makes the relationship toxic, and i know that it will probably repeat no matter who i’m with because this issue comes from inside myself.

anyway, sorry for the long rant! i hope you can help me by just letting me know what you think of my symptoms, and lack thereof. thanks! 🙂