My tank is empty

Hi All,

Well, I joined this group today because I have no support from family or friends, because I come from a dysfunctional family and I moved and chose not to stay in contact with anyone, but I only had work associates anyway, no real friends to speak of.

Anyway, after 7 years of going through many ups and downs with my partner, the downs reached a crescendo with him self harming (he has a physical disability too) after a 3 day bender and me calling an ambulance after he fell to the floor and knocked himself out.

He was then told by the hospital that his prognosis due to alcohol damage to organs was quite poor and we were operating under the assumption that he was going to die. After picking him up and driving home, I got an email saying my employment has been terminated.

This just drained whatever fuel I had left in my compassion tank after being threatened, abused, ridiculed during many, many fights. I'm not without fault in this situation, I was physically and emotionally abused when I was a kid and I have a short fuse at times and my default positions are either fight (verbal) or flight.

We found after much nail biting, that he is physically fine, he was just super dehydrated from bender.

However, he has recently been diagnosed with possible bipolar disorder or intermittent explosive disorder, (IDK specifically which one yet or maybe it's both).

I should be over the moon that we have a possible answer and that he is now taking medication and quite open to that. But after years of no support and feeling like his personal doormat, I've reached the end of my rope. I swing between feeling nothing, angry depressed and I just really want some time away from him, because everything feels like it is about him.

I'm sorry for being such a downer, but &%$!, I really need to blow off some steam.