prisonersorangeCasual Contributor
Structure vs flexibility in autistic relationships
My partner and I are both autistic, and both have had our struggles with mental health in the past. My struggle is notably more present in both our lives at the moment. I'm what my psychologist labels as "affectively instable and dysphoric", meaning my mood can swing rapidly and wildly, and I'm not yet much good at controlling my emotions.
My partner "Rose" functions pretty well day-to-day, any noticeable difficulties can pretty easily be traced down to one of two things: overstimulation or a change of plan. I am good at facilitating an environment free of overwhelming stimuli, and can very easy understand and empathise when a situation is "too much" as it's usually too much for me as well. However I cannot facilitate her need to create and stick to a plan, and it is a real stressor on our relationship. Not only am I terribly indecisive, I decided years ago that my moods fluctuate too easily to even bother planning for something, as a plan could never include my unpredictable mood. I resigned myself to going with the flow (as much as someone as uptight as myself can) and tried to forget about plans and goals.
Then my darling Rose came along, and all of a sudden I've had to try and change that whole mindset. I'm never sure what level of change is going to upset her, and she finds it rather difficult to describe. My girlfriend's responses to stress can be very impulsive and reactionary -- she had a years-long problem with self harm and has a few suicide attempts under her belt -- and so something as simple as my unhurried leaving-the-house routine causing us to miss the bus is a cause for her to cry and hit her head and fume in silence for a great deal of the morning.
I feel as though I can't make decisions to benefit myself anymore if they go against "the plan". Today she became upset with me for leaving her house, even though i was hayfevered, dissociated, and in her way, but I know she would've also been upset if I'd stayed, as I wouldn't be following the plan of helping her clean.
How do I balance my girlfriend's need for structure with my need for flexibility?
