Loss of memory, complete personality change, destruction

Hi @landm9 welcome to the forums. Gosh this sounds really hard & horrible. It sounds like an emotionally charged, overwhelming situation for you right now. Maybe, it could explain why you are doing these bad things?

I'm so glad you had the courage to reach out here. I am seeing that although you know what you are doing is wrong - you have a powerful sense of awareness. I think that is a critical element that is in your favour at the moment.

Having said that - self awareness might only give us so much. It sounds like you are battling MH issues & alcohol issues as well. Zero judgement - all of us here are struggling in one way or another. 💚 It really is lots to cope with

Excellent that you have already made steps to try out AA tonight.

When you describe that 'this will end badly.' I hear you. I take these sorts of statements very seriously.

I can't do my much from here on the internet to help you! Except to reassure you that I don't think you are alone. Can you consider telling AA tonight how desperately you feel like need help tonight? If not in front of a group - try to access a personal setting. I believe you could be acting & doing these bad things to try & ask for help? I don't want things to escalate for you.

I'm sure other members will perhaps be able to further offer support & possibly advice.

Yep. I hear you @landm9 - I think.

I have brothers & other males in my life - but mostly my brother's - who grew up in a time where punching each other in the arm (hard) was considered a sign of physical affection.

You men are in an impossible situation now - as the world has shifted. Being macho, was the social demand & expectation of basically all boys.

Today, that is not so fashionable. Now men are being encouraged to express their feelings & show vulnerabilities. I think this is great & progressive & ultimately really healthy. However - the transition is unimaginably difficult.

It's not like men have done anything different! 10, 20 30 years ago you were asked & raised to be a certain way... And you did. Now you are asked to be a different person.

I guess it is a strong suggestion - not necessarily a demand.

Personally, what I have seen - the men that can find the skills and courage to accept that there might be another way. Those men ultimately end up so much happier. It does take b*lls tho!

There are many men on this forum. It's anonymous & gender isn't a big deal here. However, you can kind of work out & ppl might reveal their gender to you. I think you could benefit from continuing to reach out & look around these forums when you get a chance. I think you will find other 'blokes' 🙂 similar to you.

Sending you strength mate👍💚

Hi @landm9 - welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us.

I'm here if you want to talk about how your AA meeting when tonight.

The road does seem lonely sometimes - and for some parts it is. Yet we are holding you and carrying you so that you have the strength to tackle this journey. There are many parts of one's journey that they must do alone. No one can do it for them. Yet it is good to know that there is hope of recovery.

We are here for you, tyme

Hi @landm9,

It sounds like you have been through a really challenging time - divorce is one of the most challenging things anyone can go through. I read once you go through the same type of emotions as you would a close relative passing (anger, denial, sadness etc). I would encourage you to be kind to yourself. I think most of us have lashed at and said things we don't mean when we are under extreme stress. It's good that you have self-reflection and insight. It's also good that you are being proactive around your drinking.

A close family member of mine has bipolar (diagnosed many years ago). As an emotional carer for this person I am very aware of the rollercoaster ride that bipolar can be. I think forums such as these, where you can meet other people with similar lived experience that really get it is a good place to start.

Do you have a good professional team around you? I think it would be good to talk to someone about how you are feeling - this is a lot to go through by yourself.

I wish you all the best and as I said above, please be kind to yourself.

FloatingFeather