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Don't know what to do

Hopin4betterNew Contributor22 Nov 2022, 1:02 am AEDT

Don't know what to do

Hi all,

I hope everyone is having a good night. I'm having a family problem that I hope someone may have experienced. I am married to a wonderful lady who has always been just perfect to me. She is funny, quirky and means the world to me. She has one issue though and that is that she is extremely inflexible when it comes to people coming to stay with us....namely my family. She is a teacher and her workload is massive. My family on the other hand are completely incapable of planning something without changing it at the last minute....and I mean every single time. It's just happened again tonight where they have decided to come down for a few days. My Wife hates people staying with us on on a sunday night; but they have been delayed by a day coming down so asked if they could stay until monday. We got into such a fight that my wife left the house, and later admitted to me that she had looked up divorce process while out. I'm so angry that she would do that....I am constantly in the middle every time my family visits. No matter how much I try I can't control their lack of planning. I understand my wife's frustration; but I'm shattered to think that she would consider divorcing me over it. I'm at the point where I just want to tell them all to get stuffed tbh. It really sucks to be in the middle and no-one seems to give a damn how much pressure this puts on me. Basically my wife just will not allow for any plan changes once they are set, and my family cannot stop making them!!! How can something so petty be a threat to my marriage! I'm utterly heartbroken at my wife's admission tonight and don't know what to do. As usual both sides are angry at me and I'm sick of it. Does anyone have any advice they can give?

Thanks.

2 replies

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In response to: Don't know what to do

hanamiSenior Contributor22 Nov 2022, 9:20 am AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do

Hi there @Hopin4better

Oh my gosh what a tough situation you're in. I want to validate how you're feeling, totally understandable. In-laws can cause so many issue for couples usually leaving one person stuck in the middle such as yourself. I suggest contacting the resource of Relationships Australia who may be able to help your situation. I would also suggest talking to you wife and letting her know that you've reached out for support/help for the issues you're having. I feel that if she knows you're actively trying to resolve the issue she would be happy about that. I know if it was me in your situation and my husband let me know he was seeking support/solutions I'd be pleased. I think ultimately your family is going to have to learn some boundaries. Many years ago when my children were young, my parents had a bad habit of coming to visit way too often, always unannounced. It drove my husband and I nuts but I knew if I wanted things to change it was up to me to speak up. I gently suggested to them that before they come over they send a text to check that's ok. I'm sure my mum didn't like it but really it was too bad. I really do hope you can get this sorted soon,

Warmest wishes

Hanami

In response to: Don't know what to do

amber22Senior Contributor22 Nov 2022, 5:32 pm AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do

Hey there @Hopin4better

I am so sorry that you are feeling this pressure, it is always so difficult when your partner and your family have differing views. It has happened to me before, and escalates so quickly sometimes, so what you are feeling is extremely valid, and I hope that it settles down for you.

On one hand, I completely understand that the changing of plans would be frustrating for your wife. It is hard when you are a working, and trying to maintain your own schedule/ life, and then others seem to come in and not stick to the proper plans. Especially if this is something that may be frustrating to her in general, not only from just your family.

But on the other hand, I recognise that your family must also feel bad as they try their hardest to come and visit you and your family and to keep in touch. I am assuming that they don't mean to mess around with the schedule, but rather that these things are unexpected and have to be moved/ it is not their choice.

I understand that it would be really upsetting for you to hear that your wife was thinking about divorce over something like this. I do think that it is important to remember that sometimes people may say things like this, or act drastically in the moment, because they are merely frustrated or irritated and their thoughts are escalating very quickly. I hope that after some time to cool down, you are both able to speak about this openly without it becoming a big argument.

I wanted to just say that how you are feeling is very valid, and I hope that some of our members on here can help with some advice if they have experienced anything similar.

Sitting with you,

Amber22

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