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Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

mrsgruffyCasual Contributor20 Oct 2016, 12:06 pm AEDT

Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

I am coming up to the 30th anniversary of my mother's death by suicide. I wrote this to acknowledge the day - this Saturday it will be 30 years since she died. I've never really been able to talk about it, and I usually tell people that she died from a cerebral haemhorrage because it's been easier. I've never marked the anniversaries - I think because it's always been too painful for me. I wanted to share this anonymously. I'm not sure whether I'll have the courage to share it with friends and family on the day.. so this is a trial run to see how it feels to put it out there.

Takk for alt.

Mamma- 30 long years have passed since you've been gone,

Every single day, I miss you and my heart hurts and longs for you.

I miss all that you have missed, all that we could have shared the joy in.

Every joy is tinged with sorrow and regret - and guilt.

You haven't seen or cuddled your 7 beautiful grandchildren

You would have been so proud of them all, and loved them all so much.

And they missed out on you, that's a great loss, and my sadness meant that I could never really share you with them.

Oh I've seen you. I've seen you in each of my baby's newborn eyes,

Making each birth both a joyful and deeply sorrowful experience at the same time.

For years, I followed people in the street that I thought were you. It took me a long time to know deep down in my heart that you were really gone.

You were an amazing Mamma, and I loved you so much.

I'm so sorry for all the worry and pain I caused you as I was growing up.

I'll never understand why you left us the way you did.

I just know that if you had waited, just a couple of years,

Perhaps your path would have been changed by the joys of new life.

I'll always wonder, it will always hurt, it never goes away.

I will always have so many unanswered questions.

I would give anything to have you back with us again.

I'm so sorry I wasn't enough, and that I didn't do enough, and that I didn't know

How painful living had become for you. I live that every day.

I'm doing my best.. i'm trying my hardest. I love you and I miss you so very much.

Sometimes the best I can do is breathe.

Takk for alt.

This was really hard to write.

8 replies

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In response to: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

pipSenior Contributor20 Oct 2016, 2:19 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Dear @mrsgruffy. I am so sorry you still fee the pain of your mothers suicide. The hardest part about losing anyone to suicide is 'why'? If your mum had died from sickness (heart attack, or old age) it would've been hard yes- but when it's suicide, the ones left feel the pain more so. The worry and pain you mention are all part and parcel of grieving and should never be taken as being to blame for death by suicide. Your mum's emotional pain would've been unbearable. The fact she did not tell you, suggests to me, she felt either you wouldn't be able to understand because that sort of pain is very hard to comprehend. Or she was trying to spare you from the knowledge that there was nothing you could have done to stop the pain. When someone attempts to end or succeeds, they feel as though the only way to stop the pain and suffering is to end their life. If you can imagine for a moment, you are at the bottom of a well in darkness. There is a ladder, just out of reach. You attempt to jump to grab it, you fail, you try again and again, but each time, you just can't jump high enough. Finally, tired, out of breath, you simply give up and 'let go'. Your mother's emotional pain would've been similar. She couldn't take the pain and suffering anymore, so she 'let go'. Nothing you could've done would've prevented her from ending. Nothing you did caused that final decision. Remember her with love, talk to her, share everything with her that you would have if she was still with you. She knew you loved her, that will never change. Think about the values she taught you and keep her memory alive. Her spirit and love lives on in you and your children. Hope this helps ease your pain.

In response to: Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

NikNikSenior Contributor20 Oct 2016, 8:27 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Hi @mrsgruffy

Such a moving message to your mother.

I hope getting that out was has been helpful and thank you for sharing it with us.

Nik

In response to: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

CherryBombSenior Contributor21 Oct 2016, 9:07 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

@mrsgruffy Death by suicide is hard to comprehend. I think one the hardest things is thinking about the the depth of the pain that your loved one felt to lead them to take such action, and then the thoughts about how you could /should have done more. But as @pip pointed out, you didn't cause her passing.

Anniversaries are hard. They bring with them the heavy feeling of grief, but they're also an opportunity to reflect and remember they life you shared.

In response to: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

utopiaSenior Contributor21 Oct 2016, 10:36 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

@mrsgruffy. I think you expressed your feelings so beautifully. The loss, regrets, grief.
My thoughts will be with you on Saturday.

In response to: Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

pipSenior Contributor23 Oct 2016, 8:32 am AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Hi @mrsgruffy. Just checking in to see how you are. I hope yesterday wasn't too bad for you. I thought of you, but didn't want to intrude on your and mum's 'day'.

In response to: Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

mrsgruffyCasual Contributor23 Oct 2016, 1:07 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Thankyou for thinking of me. I made it through the day. I feel exhausted. I have been crying a lot over nothing. I'll be ok. I'm always ok eventually. I push it back down again somewhere deep inside me and it only really pops up at times like these Birthdays, anniversaries, christmas.. always very hard to act happy for the sake of the others in my life. It is a hard life to live.

I don't mean to be dismissive.. but I've heard all about how it's not my fault and how I couldn't have done anything. My situation is different. I could have.. I didn't. It was a spur of the moment action with the most devastating consequences.

In response to: Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

pipSenior Contributor23 Oct 2016, 1:22 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Dear @mrsgruffy. I'm sorry you feel to blame. Suicide is usually the last resort when the depression really takes over our minds. The person who succeeds possibly has reached out many times, but couldn't make themselves understood as to how desperate and alone they felt. Once we decide we want to 'end' usually we're alone and make sure of that. Suicide normally is a 'spur of the moment' decision. My first hubby (my kid's dad) suicided too. He had had two previous attempts. We were separated, he had family (brothers and sisters) his family knew how depressed he was, but had no idea how depressed because he couldn't tell them. They would've listened, but he was determined. Your mother had made up her mind, from what you've said, you had no idea she was so down. Perhaps you could have stopped her, this time, but you would've had to be with her 24/7. There is no way you could be with anyone 24/7. You mentioned you have cried a lot over nothing. I wouldn't call crying because you're mourning your mothers death, nothing. The pain is real, her death is real. You miss her, that too is real.

In response to: Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

Unknown userMember23 Oct 2016, 1:50 pm AEDT

Re: Takk for alt (Thankyou for everything)

So glad you are okay @mrsgruffy. Sending warm hugs

You were not given the time, the opportunity to do more for your mum - you weren't to know the urgency of what your mother was about to do. None of us always acts straight away when we should to help or support as we can become wrapped up in other things at the time, it's human - but we can later on with reflection. You weren't offered that opportunity. You know if given more time and the knowledge of how serious the situation was you would of done what you could at the time. Forgive yourself as your mother would not be blaming you. You truly loved her and that what matters - a love that will never die 💕

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