Lost and desperate

I am bipolar 2. I am in a bad mess. I had some serious physical health issues and major surgery. Spent 36 days in hospital in January and February this year. Partial bowel removal, lost 12 kg, discharged with malnutrition. Months ago now but was also in and out of hospital last year. Had a serious car accident too, flipped car end to end 3x running off a country road at 100 km ph. Fell asleep at the wheel. Escaped very luckily with serious concussion and PTSD. Lucky to be alive.

I am still attending physical rehab sessions twice a week to get my strength back from surgery earlier this year. But it is one step forwards and two steps back.

Lost my job due to ME and Covid, mainly me. Wife left me, found out she has been having an affair for SEVEN years. We are arguing custody of our children and I HATE my life.

My children are all that keep me going.

I am seeing a psychiatrist, a psychologist, I had a panic attack at about 2 am a week ago and called Alfred Hospital. A CAT team visited me the next day and are getting me an aged care assessment for local council services/support. I have been booked in for a day a week outpatient group sessions at a mental health hospital. I am booked in for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, maintenance treatment.

I have done EVERYTHING possible that I can think of to help myself overcome it. But I have constant suicidal thoughts and I am in the very early planning stages. I am putting my affairs in order, cleaning up all the junk in my house, selling things on Facebook Marketplace, giving things away.

I have researched suicide methods for painless and efficiency. I have researched the impact of parental suicide on children. I tell this to all of my doctors and psych's but nothing they suggest and no medications make any difference.

I don't want to die, but I feel that everything is pushing me in one direction. I have sleeping tablets, they don't work.

I am desperate. My life is falling apart because I cannot do anything. I stay in bed until I am forced to get out. I only go out to shop when I am out of bread and milk. When I have my kids for 5 days a fortnight is the best I feel. I force myself to go shopping for them, I struggle to keep going but can do it for them, and when they go I die inside,

I want the world to stop, time to stop. I want to get in my car and never stop driving. I want to scream and shout, smash my furniture, go to hospital drop out. But I have been to a mental health hospital before, about 4 x. I hate that too.

One thing that has amazed me though is how much the CAT team and my psych team care. The CAT team, I just sat back and thought you are strangers, why do you care so much. My brothers and sisters know I am sick. I don't think they understand how bad. They don't call me.

I am alone

I call Lifeline regularly. But everything is stopgap. Plugging holes in a leaking dam and waiting for it to break.

Anyone have some magic? I am lost