Homelessness

Hi @IMS,

I just finished reading your post and my heart goes out to you, your son and your daughter. As you said you are all affected by what is going on with your son and I'm sure it is difficult for everyone involved.

I don't mean to pry but when you say you want to take your son in but you are scared what might happen I'm wondering if you are concerned for your emotional or physical safety (or that of your son or daughter or anyone else that you live with)?

As a mum of adult children I understand that push and pull between your children and wanting to support them both - I really feel for you because (as you said) it must feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I thought your idea about your son living in a caravan was a clever solution but if he is opposed to it, it sounds like it may be a no go.

I would encourage you to reach out for support for yourself as being a carer in any capacity (for example, an emotional carer, a physical carer etc.) is often a lonely and confusing place to be. I have been a sole emotional carer for a close family member that has a serious mental health issue for many years so I understand the rollercoaster ride that it can be. Often when we are carers we neglect or don't realise that we also need support. I would encourage you to reach out to Carer Gateway - link Carer Gateway and/or Carers Australia - link Carers Australia. Hopefully one or both of these organisations may be able to offer you some insight how to better help your son whilst also giving your advice about how to care for yourself and others in your family who are also being impacted by the situation.

I really wish you, your son and the rest of your family all the best. Please keep posting and reaching out. We are hear to support you.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

Hi @IMS and welcome. My heart truly goes out to you as was in a very similar situation with my daughter a few years ago. It’s interesting that I too offered to buy a caravan to put in the back yard and was met with abuse at this suggestion. To protect myself and my family I had to cut all ties with my girl. A very hard decision to make but knew it was the only way she would receive the help she desperately needed. Being a mother you instinctively feel the need to support and nurture but this was being taken advantage of and was like a wild roller coaster ride of emotions. My girl had to truly hit rock bottom which she did and ended up receiving the appropriate care. I’m presently seeing a psychologist to deal with the guilt of that choice but she reminds me that everything else I did and tried, wasn’t helping but my final act of refusing to help her was what led to appropriate help. She has drug induced schizophrenia and will never be the daughter I once had but is now, thanks to her Community Mental Health team and NDIS support workers, in her own rental, in a supportive relationship and relatively more stable. I haven’t seen her for three years but have the rare delight of hearing her voice on the phone (still rings only for $$$$) and I know she isn’t resentful for my decision and that the love is still there. Having her at home at the time and the years leading up to all of this was utter chaos and the negative effect on myself and family was simply too much to bare. I hope my story and understanding helps in some way and I wish you peace of mind in whichever decision you make. Take good care 🙏

Hey @IMS

It sounds like he has the capacity to make his own choices. As sad as it is, the choice he wants to make right now is to not seek help and sleep in his car. My advice would be to let him know that you are there to support him to seek help and treatment but it's his journey to take and he has to be responsible for the choices.

I wish you good luck.

I feel like if you take him in to your house, you would then use you mothering instincts to protect him, but even as a mother, it is really hard to protect people from their own self destruction.

Hello FloatingFeather,

Thanks so much for taking time to reply to me. I feel understood and validated. I do have support but sometimes it feels like I cannot wait for a few weeks to speak to my counsellor.

My son's mood disorder is severe. He had caused damage to my home last year and sends me scary texts whilst I'm his only carer! We are always afraid of another blow up. His mood can change in an instant. If he wasn't my son I would never again want him to live at my home. As his mother I still want to help him but I have to consider my daughter as well as my own health. IMS.

Hi Krishna,

I'm so glad you replied to my post. Thanks for your time.

My only way of helping my son now is not to help him, so that the MH system and NDIS can take care of him. No more money, no more texting...I had to cut him off like you did with your daughter. I didn't know pain this deep existed, I cannot even describe it. How long did it take you to sort of function like an almost normal human being again? As you, I feel so much guilt. I have conflicting feelings. On the one hand I'm relieved because the burden I carried for so long is gone and I'm actually helping him by cutting him off. But on the other hand I am so sad and heartbroken. I was told not to think of him as a baby or small child but as a grown-up man who knows how to get help himself by connecting with services which he has so far rejected. I kept trying to sort out the issues and disasters he had caused, kept paying his rent, clearing his debt, helping him find yet another job...never ending chaos and pain. I just never thought that I could not help him but admit now that I'm powerless. I try to remember the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. Thanks again for your kind words. IMS.

Hi AussieRecharger,

So true, he is able to make his own choices. He was offered help from the MH hospital and refused. I begged him to go to our homelesness hub but again, refused. He refused the caravan idea I had. So his choice is the car.

I sent him numerous e-mails and texts where to get help but he ignored my advice.

You are also correct that if I took him back in there is a big chance I would start mothering him again, which might be a set-back for him.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

Hi @IMS just a quick tip when replying to a forum member. Use the @ symbol and a drop down list will appear and then click on the member you wish to reply to. This way they will get a notification. We have much in common it seems and our kids (adults) are the same age. I don’t think I’ll ever return to the person I was as my heart is so heavy. Some days better than others but there is an ache there that only acceptance can cure. This too comes in waves. I too did all that I could, probably too much for too long. I’m a mother, it’s what we do. I’m still seeing a psychologist to try and deal with the guilt shame and grief of this situation. Some days depression kicks in which is totally understandable and here I am feeling blue about Xmas approaching bringing back memories of better times spent. I try to stay in the present moment with mindfulness and mediation practices and do get moments of calm through that. Take good care of you and always up for a chat if you need.

@FloatingFeatherThanks for the tip, got it right this time. The most difficult part is that my son doesn't completely understand how we feel about threats and that we feel we need to protect ourselves, esp because what happened last year. I'm still not sure if it will be best to completely cut him off. The last conversation we had was that he needed to a list of things to be able to have a relationship with us. Sadly he refuses as he thinks he doesn't need help. Sometimes I have doubts if I made the right decision because fear of rejection and abandonment are the most prevalent symptoms with BPD. But perhaps this will be the reason that he will accept help one day. I'm trying to do self-care even when I don't feel like it. Meeting up with friends at this stage is really helping me feel "normal". Take care. IMS.

It's not an easy place to be @IMS - I think often as mothers' no matter what we do we have a tendency to suffer mother's guilt sometimes. It's good that you have put some boundaries in place and asked your son to do a list around having a relationship with you. At the end of the day we all have a role to play in our family dynamics and we all have some responsibilities in how these dynamics play out. What I have learnt from being a support carer for a close family member with a serious mental health issue is that I can only be so much, do so much and give so much. I also have responsibilities to other people in my life, including myself.

I'm glad to read that you are doing self-care (understand what you mean when you say even when you don't want to). I often find the times when I don't want to be bothered with self-care is often the time I need it the most.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather