Hi @Nush
I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 💜
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening for you and as I listened to this part of your story, I could hear that you’re wrestling with so many powerful thoughts and feelings 💜
The relationship that you share with your partner sounds incredibly complicated and just from what you’ve described, I can really appreciate how you feel as though you’re ‘never on stable ground’ - especially when the ‘goal posts’ are constantly changing.
I’m so sorry to hear that your partner has ‘threatened’ divorce and I can only begin to imagine how incredibly confused, scared and vulnerable you may be feeling at this time - especially when this is one of your worst fears 💜
As such, I can really appreciate how desperately you’re trying to protect yourself and your relationship and my heart went out to you when you shared that your trying to ‘keep your depression and anxiety at bay.’
In my experience, keeping the mental health conditions that we live with ‘under wraps’ and trying to be the person that our loved ones ‘need’ and / or ‘would like us to be’ is absolutely exhausting and as such, there have been numerous times in my life when I’ve tied myself up in knots trying to keep a lid on the parts of myself that other people found overwhelming.
However, through time, I’ve realised that by silencing and hiding these parts of myself, I’m essentially ignoring and minimising my own needs. Although I still have a little way to go, I’m starting to be able to appreciate that I have needs too and that my needs are just as valid and important as everyone else’s 💜
As I sat here thinking about this part of your story, I felt a little bit curious when you shared ‘and often if things get thrown off or my partner rejects me I Instantly feel not good enough and immediately just want to leave this works.’ As such, I just ever so gently wondered if instead of writing ‘works’ you meant to use another word - perhaps ‘world?’
I can really hear how deeply you’ve been impacted by everything that’s been happening to you and as such, I just wanted to share a few resources with you, in case you felt that you needed some additional support 💜
The first resource that I thought may be helpful for you is SANE’s ‘drop in service.’
Basically, ‘SANE drop-in services are staffed by qualified team of counsellors and people with lived experience of mental health issues who will provide you with free digital and telehealth support, information and referrals.’
I’ve reached out to this service numerous times and I’ve always had a really positive experience where I felt listened to and really well supported 💜
I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case you would like to explore this further 😊
https://www.sane.org/get-support/drop-in-service
The second service that I thought maybe helpful for you is SANE’s ‘guided service.’
Essentially, ‘SANE’s free guided service combines our range of digital and telehealth supports, tailored to the needs of people affected by complex mental health issues.’
I’ve included the link to this particular service below, just in case this is something that’s of interest to you 😊
https://www.sane.org/referral
Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @Nush that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 😊
Please know that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to 💜
Take kind and gentle care of yourself,
ShiningStar 💜
