Intrusive thoughts and miscarriage TW

I've struggled for a long time with my mental health. There is a silent voice inside my head which repetitively yells at me to do things that I don't want. I have caved many times and fallen victim to these silent voices, leaving an abundance of scars both externally and internally - scars which remind me of how far I've come today and how hard I've fought to be here.

One thing I was never prepared for was to have a miscarriage.

My first pregnancy was well planned. I seeked prenatal professional advice, had screening and blood works done, updated my immunisations and so on. I managed to wean off my cocktail of medications down to the bare basics and had been mentally stable for some time. My miscarriage destroyed the stability of my mental health and unravelled my thoughts into a dark and lonely place. I know that this unfortunate loss was inevitable and in no way my fault, however there is an overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and failure on my ability to have nurtured and carried my baby.

I now sit on the isolated bed in my small, safe-structured psychiatric hospital room questioning my ability to continue breathing through these unbearable times. The silent voice has returned pressuring me to hurt myself again, I'm being fed pills to keep me calm and oh I am ever so tired of fighting against myself. Im scared of what I'm capable of.