What a lonely place

I have struggled so much with complex trauma and what a lonely place it is. It feels pretty unfair. Childhood trauma messes with your social and emotional development. You couldn't be a good friend in the past so you missed the opportunity to make reliable and secure friends. Those still around depend on your unhealthy behaviours in some way or another (lack of boundaries in my case), and then you change and grow so they fall away. Family is often more complicated than it is helpful. And you are forever playing catch up with people who haven't had their minds and hearts smashed into a thousand pieces, people who can trust and be open. You try to prove yourself, you try to offer that emotional stability and optimism others are drawn to. But you're so lonely and you don't have the belonging, security, the boost from loving people around you. You're not shielded, like the others who developed rather typically and collected and kept good people because they always had the emotional stability and optimism, because they've always been a good reliable friend. They can take it for granted that good people are drawn to them, they can trust and be open. It's this circular hell, I need people because I'm so hurt, but I'm so hurt because of people, and I can't trust people, and I'm lonely, and that causes more pain.

I lose sight of my self worth,I lose sight of my humanity, loneliness only makes you hate yourself more. Which makes you less of a positive bubbly open presence that draws people. How can you possibly be? You have no buffering. Love is a buffer against how spiky and painful this life can be. I'm buffer-less.

I am constantly finding myself depleted.

Don't tell me to work on myself, I have but I need more than professionals paid to care about me, guys! That was never going to be enough, regardless of how much work I'm doing in therapy. My therapist will never be my friend.

I'm in pain.