Loneliness - am I a vulnerable narcissist or is this a MLC?

Hi @Radiohead,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. Thank you for reaching out and being so vulnerable in your post - I know it's not easy for people to always do this, especially when you are just starting out here.

I don't know much about NPD to be honest. I know in general terms what it is but not so much about it in depth. I do read from your post that you appear to have some very good insight into yourself and you are good at self-reflection. I did not really discover who I really was til my mid-40s. Maybe this is a common thing (self discovery later in life)? I, like you, spent a lot of my life living up to what I thought I was supposed to be instead of who I really am.

Have you ever heard of existential counselling? You made reference to an `existential crisis' so I thought this may be of some interest to you.

Here is a link to some information around NPD that may be of help to you https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/narcissistic-personality-disorder. I have also attached this link which will lead you to more discussions around this topic on the forums https://saneforums.org/t5/tag/narcissistic%20personality%20disorder/tg-p/category-id/lived-experience-forum.

I do agree with your question around self esteem being linked to number of followers on social media etc. I really do believe if anyone has a really good sense of self that their sense of worth comes from themselves. I understand it's nice when someone likes a post or has more followers than the day before but the way a person feels about themselves should lay within them. Otherwise (in my humble opinion) you are handing over you power of who you are to other people.

On an aside, if you want to directly chat with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

I wish you all the best and look forward to reading what other people think.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

Hi @Radiohead The first thing that struck me about your post is your own insight. From my experience, those with NPD do not often possess that trait and the need for praise may be more of a learned behaviour over a long time that you have developed to protect yourself. I also concur with @FloatingFeather - when we are truly happy within ourselves (or at least know ourselves well) then all that 'outside' stuff does not have the same importance. Maybe it is a 'midlife' turning point for you - a time in your life where you have become tired of being everything that others want/expect you to be and need to find who YOU really are. So many of us here have had to wear that mask for a variety of different reasons and whilst that often protects us from the world, it can also impinge our own happiness. I also believe that when we can learn to live with ourselves and be happy with who we are, then we find that loneliness also lessens. These are certainly things that you could unpack with a professional. Good luck in moving forward and welcome to the forum.

I agree that we're all going through a lot the same internet effects. Thing is, we're all going through it differently.

What's working for me is a double-pronger.

Prong 1. Is taking deliberate off-screen, grass-touching, real-world-real-time adventures.

Prong 2. Leaning into the internet deliberately. I mean, the internet is going to influence our thoughts and behaviour one way or another. That being the case, the way it takes should be our way. So when one is online emphasizing the pro-social within the para-social. There's toxicity to manage/avoid but also nutrition to build/embrace.

On the subject of values, I know a political streamer who talks a lot about "axioms" and "axiomatic values". The rough idea is, an axiom is the reasons why values appeal in the first place. Eg: Humanist values are often (but not always) based on the axiom of liking humans (or liking humans being humanists). Or, democracy values can be inspired by axiomatically liking co-operation or by axiomatically liking freedom.

So, if you're on a personal values inquisition journey, maybe getting a feel for your axioms, could be a thing.

Thank you so much for this reply and I appreciate the effort that went into it.

Since reading your post a couple of days ago, I let your words about values and axioms sit with me. Today I read an article about the narcissist epidemic. There's a lot of misdiagnosis going around and so after the ruminating stopped I didn't stress so much about not having values or lacking empathy- I probably do have empathy but this another example of negative self talk and its starting to make sense.

I am happy to say that I feel better now - I let some feelings come and go and took some time to be with my thoughts. I noticed a recurring theme with me is feeling inhibited or frustrated. I investigated some the reasons why (fairly grim childhood, felt unable to feel sad or get angry).

I did a CBT journal entry during this time, writing down ideas and listening to the negative self talk - my problem is my controlling behaviour is causing conflict in my relationships and I went through and identified the reasons for feeling that way. I found myself crying - it was a good little cry and I found myself finally getting away from all my ruminating and listened to my body. This was new to me. Eventually a noticed a nice feeling in my tummy and then I cried again. When I challenged my thoughts (as per CBT jounrnaling) the most positive inner voice came to the rescue for me, and I still get misty eyes thinking about this experience.

Whether I found some existential value I don't know(like one might find a coin 😂) But I am in a different space for now. I'm prepared to experience the whole 2 steps forward, one step back now - recent news that our family member is not doing well has affected me, but at the same time, the need to be strong for your family is a good incentive to get better im order to support the people who matter.

I don't really know you but thank you so much for responding 😊

Thank you @FloatingFeather - I read your reply a few days ago and it made a considerable difference.

I did a bit of self reflection today and feel much better after doing some journaling.

Once again, thank you!

Great to hear @Radiohead