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Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

CampbarrySenior Contributor01 Oct 2022, 11:35 pm AEST

Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

Heyo
I'm really struggling right now.
A couple of months ago I just got lost in this spiral of depression and anxiety which wasn't helped by coming off my medication. Work was getting so stressful, we had such a poor manager who couldn't delegate task or lead a team, I kept being promised training that wasn't happening (ends up I was doing my job wrong for the whole 6+ months I was there, and was completely untrained, despite asking, in one of the three areas which prevented me getting upgraded from level 1 - level 2), and I was given a new and exciting (for me) responsibility which was ignored in favour of people not bothering to work with the new change and just stepping over me.
I had nothing wrong with the manager as a person thankfully, it wasn't a toxic workplace as far as the people went, but we had lost some long time workers and we were doing 2 hours overtime at least one day of the week for a couple of months - I kept going in hope that when the new people started it would get better, but that only lasted a week. We were slowly slipping back into overtime, I was working by guesswork - not knowing what my day was meant to look like - and was being pushed out of the work responsibilities I was getting used to for the new people, only to be left floating trying to understand what I was meant to do in a day. I was having panic attacks, avoiding meals in favour of crying in the change room, I couldn't deal with the noise of the workplace or the people talking during the breaks - I ended up rushing in my stress and getting injured which further increased my anxiety and shot my nerve. Eventually, the big boss (above the manager) saw me having trouble, said that they knew things weren't operating well and that they were going to change management and to give them two weeks. I said, okay but I need a day off for mental health, which they agreed too... except when I handed in notice for a day off (in my contract you didn't need a drs. note for one day of sick leave) I was told that I wasn't sick, I couldn't have a sick day and that I needed to use annual leave (which I didn't have because I hadn't been with the company for 12 months). I said that I couldn't do it anymore, I was going to end up in hospital, and they sent me home the same day - a quit fired kind of thing.
The most hurtful thing was when I was told they didn't want to walk on eggshells around me anymore. I cry easily, but I never asked for anyone to do that, and I don't want people to do that, I can take criticism - not always without tears, but that doesn't mean I don't value constructive and necessary criticism. I wonder if I was able to get my ASD assessment done, which is a likely diagnosis, if maybe I could better explain my reactions to things... but the wait list is well over a year at the moment.

But that's not what the problem is now. Being away from the stress of work hasn't helped at all. I'm so anxious and depressed to the point of being in so much pain all the time with no relief. And I came on here because I need to vent about my medication - or lack there of - and the psychiatrist not listening to me about it - but apparently that's not allowed. So what am I going to do? I'm in limbo until I get a psychiatrist who will actually listen, and not take calls about other clients with me in the room. But in the meantime I have nothing to ease this pain. No amount of therapy (every week and a half) or anything else is helping. And I just have this script for an antidepressant that I've taken before that I had to stop because I was a hallucinating zombie on it, but I don't know if I have any other choice other than to take it because at least I know how I would feel and i can deal with that.
Does anyone have anything else I can try first (non medical of course) before I resort to filling it, because I'm running out of choices
I'm trying to go for walks each day (I've gone from on my feet in a physically demanding job for 8 hrs a day to completely sedentary)
I'm trying to plan to eat better (and failing)
I'm trying to slowly clean my living space, just a bit at a time
I'm trying, but I just hurt all the time, and I just don't have the energy or resilience to do more.

4 replies

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In response to: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

PeregrinefalconSenior Contributor02 Oct 2022, 10:22 am AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

Hey @Campbarry

Thank you so much for sharing your story and feeling safe doing so here.

What you have been though is an incredibly tough time on a number of levels. Difficult workplaces can be extremely challenging and can take a long time to recover from, and that feeling of being 'in limbo' can be so hard to sit with.

It's great that you are seeking a psychiatrist who will listen to you, you absolutely deserve that.

It sounds like you have been taking some really positive steps - getting in some physical activity, doing some cleaning, eating food that nourishes you. Even if you do one of these things each day, it is still an achievement to be proud of. I know for myself, having a bit of a sense of routine helps immensely.

I hope this can be a safe and supportive space for you, we are all here sitting with you even if we may not have all of the answers 💛

In response to: Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

CampbarrySenior Contributor02 Oct 2022, 1:00 pm AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

In response to: Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

tymeModerator02 Oct 2022, 9:36 pm AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

@Campbarry -

First things first, work will always be there. The more you work, the more work you are given. I'm sorry to hear how unhealthy the current work environment is for you. It doesn't sound like you are being heard.

It is important you come first in this. Are you part of the union, or are you able to escalate this to anyone above who you have spoken to already?

Be kind to yourself and do what's right for you.

I've been in very toxic workplaces. I wasn't being heard. In the end, I kept telling myself that I was only there to do my job and not to take it to heart. Ultimately, when the time came, I moved on.

Would you want to stay at this workplace?

Sitting with you. Please do not feel you have to do this alone.

In response to: Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

CampbarrySenior Contributor02 Oct 2022, 11:08 pm AEDT

Re: Don't know what to do, need to vent, also need some advice

@tyme thank you for the response.
I'm not at the workplace anymore, sorry it wasn't clear, vents can be like that sometimes. Basically I left/was fired? (kinda?) a month ago now, and I'm still struggling with the same feelings that lead to the chain of events, culminating in a breakdown that led the the quit/fire scenario.
Probably the worse thing is I didn't hate the work, and I was a shoe in to start in the graduate program for the company - they actually recruited me for it when I applied to the regular job, but unfortunately it was too late for them to get me in, though they tried really hard. Anyway, that's a long lasting, stable, well paying career and further learning opportunity in a field of my passion that has now been flushed down the drain.
Right now I'm struggling with the idea that I need to reach out to get a reference from the owner so I can find new work and/or go back to study as a non-school leaver. And though I didn't do anything wrong working there and we didn't technically leave on bad terms, I am extremely embarrassed about how my employment ended... and just thinking about getting back in contact has me in tears. Same with all my other previous appointments and contacts though, I want to offer my services to my old workplace at a small family owned business over the holiday period should they be struggling to find someone, but I'm too ashamed right now.
I could contact HR for a letter that shows proof of employment for other jobs. but to continue studies, they are going to actually want to know what I was like in the workplace, and would I be a good choice to start this degree. My employment history looks poor when this job lasted just over 6 months and I ceased employment immediately without the 4 weeks notice that was required. Not to mention my last job only lasted 5 weeks (never sign up for a contract position, without a guarantee for a minimum length of employment - especially with the government. I learned my lesson). I feel like it looks so bad, I look like a very incapable employee, and feel like it too. I don't actually feel able to return to work right now, but at the same time I'm not able to be at home with nothing to do. I really do struggle to find employment in general without the poor resume, I am kind of limited to just one area of experience based on my employment history, education and interest... and that experience isn't very in demand in my residential area.
But sorry, I'm dumping all of this on you. I have therapy tomorrow so don't worry about me. I'll figure out my medicine woes with them too, I know I shouldn't take a medication that has harmed me in the past based off the feelings I'm having now, but I need someone to help me think.

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