ktsmomCasual Contributor
My Story (trigger warning)
Hi, this is my first time posting posting on anything like this but I’ve been reading some the stories on this forum and they’re all so honest and raw and terrible and beautiful at the same time. I would really like to share mine.
My life was so good up until the age of 11. I lived in a sweet little village in England, I had a perfectly “normal” life. Then my parents told me that we were moving to Australia for my dads work and within a few months I was on the other side of the world. I missed home but I was still optimistic about this strange new land and what this meant for the rest of my life. Then things got bad. I had an older brother who was 14 and two younger sisters who were 10 and 7. four months after arriving in Australia my 7 year old sister was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. She died 4 months later but during those last 4 months my fathers best friend, and pretty much our only friend in Australia, came to stay with us. His name was (something like) Dan and Dan was super fun and caring and generous. He had such a positive attitude and everyone in our family loved him and he bought a glimmer of light into our darkened world. But Dan had a dark side and I was the only one unfortunate enough to see it. My parents were focused entirely on my little sister and they spent a lot of their time at the hospital while I would often be at home with Dan and he chose this time to begin molesting me. I was 11 when it started and he was an expert at grooming and manipulation. I never told anyone what was happening and as Dan was’ basically family” he would spend every school holiday with us. He continued the assaults many times with every visit for the next 4 years until everything changed for me. When I was 16 I began a relationship with a friend of my brothers friends who’s name was (similar to) Luke. He was 6 years older then me and I had been desperately in love with Luke since I first met him when I was 12. I was thrilled that he was finally taking notice of me and I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. We ran away to Queensland together (1200kms away) and within days of starting our life I found out I was pregnant. Then Luke started to show his true colours. He had extreme mental health issues and he started to be very abusive towards me in every way its possible to be abusive. I gave birth in a Queensland hospital at 17. I was alone and I had a black eye. But having children changes a persons priorities and eventually I decided enough was enough. After I turned 18 I told Luke it was over and I flew back down to Melbourne with my daughter and I moved back in with my parents. Luke followed me back and moved into his fathers house which was close to where I was living. After a few weeks of fights and chaos he came to my house and asked me if we would ever be together again. I said no and he said that in that case he was going to commit suicide. Then he left and two nights later he hung himself at his fathers house. That was in 2006 when my daughter was about 12 months old and since then I am happy to say that I have never allowed myself or my daughter to be treated anything like the way I was during those years. This is obviously a very very abbreviated version of my story and there is so much more to tell. My problem is that its been 16 years since that happened and I still feel like I cant move past that period of my life. I really want to talk to people about it but I just cant do it. I never told my family about Dan. I kept all that inside and the only reason they knew about Luke’s abuse was from visiting me and seeing bruises on my face and even so we didn’t talk about it after the Luke died. My daughter doesn't know much about her dad. Her whole life shes heard me having nightmares and screaming and crying in my sleep but I’m afraid of upsetting her I feel like we cant have an honest conversation about it. I pretty much don’t talk to anyone about anything. In all my relationships I have become the person who listens, not the person who shares. I do have a therapist who is great but I cant even bring myself to tell him most of the things I want to say. Lately I’ve been slipping deeper and deeper into depression. I don't do anything I used to do, I don't have any friends left and I don't take care of myself. My daughter is 17 and she has her own mental health issues so I would put all my energy I have into supporting her and I felt like that's what my life had come down to but these past few days I haven't even cared much about doing that. I just want to get into my bed and stay there forever. I used to feel like I was hanging on to life by a thread and I was worried the thread would snap. Now I just feel like letting it go. Thanks for reading x
