My daughter

Hi @Carri welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing.

I am sure MANY members on here can relate to the circumstances you are facing. I know here at the SANE Help Centre we receive multiple phone calls a day from family members describing very similar scenarios. Unfortunately the circumstances you are facing are all too common, and I can imagine at this point you are probably feeling burnt out, frustrated and helpless. You have correctly identified that she must be the one to seek out and engage with relelvant support and treatment, and it can often take a long time for people to get to this place for themselves. It is good to hear you have established some bounaries with your interactions, 54 texts a day is certainly overstepping the line. Do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to and confide in about this? Hopefully you will find the Forums to be a safe and welcoming place to visit, even if just to vent your frustration sometimes. You are among friends here 🙂

hello @Carri

My son has Aspergers and I am in a similar role .. both saviour & punching bag. Very gradually and gently I am making him aware of the elements of his behaviours that are very stressful .. and actually reduce are mutual experience of life ... teaching him that "I am not the enemy" is big. That life throws curved balls and challenges regularly but it will better if we can face them together. During the last 3 years things have imporved a lot. Before that i was barely coping or existing. Hang in there. I believe genuine respect in close relationships is important and that the best way for child to gain self respect is not to abuse parental generosity & love.

Its really tricky & delicate for me .. but yesterday my son made a glib suggestion about me doing more work .. whilst I was in physical labour .. I flipped it back onto to him through a bit of resistance and eventually he took it up himself and performed the small task himself.

When he was seriously unwell I mutely accepted his need to use me as a punching bag ... and try and imprve situation when he is better.

Hi Tawney - you are right about 'tough love'. I remember a nurse saying to me 'no amount of love is going to fix this' and I replay that in my mind when my daughter goes into panic mode and becomes completely irrational making all sorts of threats. I spoke to her today and she seems in a better place. She has sent me an essay as she often does outlining how we can reinstate the boundaries of our relationship - bless I know. I will compromise and we will move forward - enjoy the better times and wait for the next storm. One thing i do channel my own anger and sadness at the situation is write poetry. Thank you sharing with me 🙂

Thank you 🙂 Yes I have just started to visit a counsellor who works within a Mental Health organisation and it is certainly helpful - she was the one who directed me to this forum. It is a relief to actually share my situation with others who understand - I constantly feel as though I have to reinstate my boundaries and that in itself is exhausting but I know consistency is neccessary for her to function successfully as an adult and maintain a level of independence. Thanks again for your support.

Hello Carri

I also have problems with a child in another state - and also like you am caught in cycle of (verbal) punching bag and saviour.

I find it helps to post on the forum and to share my little gains, but also post the backward steps. I don't feel so alone knowing someone out there is listening to me and it is also good to know that others feel as I do - although really, I would prefer that no-one have to go through what I go through.

Anyway - good luck, I do hope things start to ease and you get some peace, although like most of us you have probably forgotten what mental and emotional peace feels like! But we do live in hope.

Best wishes

@Former-Member @Appleblossom @Snowdrop .... 💜

Nothing says it like experience .... ❣

Good morning @Carri @Former-Member and everyone ....

In my situation it is my husband who is unwell with an mi .... he is deeply in denial with an eating disorder, as yet undiagnosed ... we have come through "punching bag" to a large degree and his behaviour has settled down enormously .... but only because I / we realised that without his self-awareness on board, and without the support of a medical diagnosis, we were adrift without sail or rudder, and if we didn't learn to paddle together our boat was gonna go down .... !!

So .... we did the best we could to flag medical attention, and then have had to learn to walk alongside him as he relentlessly pursues a self-destructive path of excessive exercise, and Orthorexic and B/P eating patterns, seeing others praise him for his excellent "health achievements" with the accompanying silent question marks as to why we aren't all borrowing from his example and becoming super-thin and athletic ourselves, for the perceived health benefits ...... it's excruciatingly painful in those moments .... especially as he comes from a family who idolise thinness ....

For the most part my WH (Wayward Husband) has concealed the most worrying of his behaviours in respectability, and takes off interstate every few weeks to help take the pressure off "living a lie", which takes some pressure off all the relationships as well - four of our five adult children are still living at home, one set to marry and move out very shortly.

The guilt of enabling behaviours you know are wrong is probably the hardest hurdle to crawl over, along with dodging or setting boundaries over emotional abuse, but I can hear that you have managed to establish that uneasy sort of status-quo that enables everybody to limp forward .... well done ❣ That's huge .... and if it takes having Australian states between you to achieve that, please consider it a blessing in some respects, which I believe you do. The roller-coaster is intense. Anything that creates and establishes boundaries has to be a positive, even though it comes with other pressures as well.

Its a long walk .... better achieved in company ....

Lovely to meet you. We will give you a "ahoy" from the coffee corner of the Carer's site .... and you have just inspired me to start a poetry thread for the Carer's side .... there is one in operation on Lived Experience.

🌷💜 F&H