Trying not to feel pathetic

Hey @MightandPower66 Welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your story. Your situation and your feelings are as valid as anyone else's and you're very welcome here.

It sounds like it's a complicated relationship and it sounds like you want to put in place some boundaries but you're feeling guilty about that. I think that's only natural. Be kind to yourself. Only you know what you need and it sounds like you've been through a lot already.

I hope others will drop by and offer some words of wisdom but I just wanted to give my support and welcome you here.

💖🌼

@MightandPower66

You absolutely have permission not to go if that is what you want. By the sounds of things you have been severely traumatised by her. Is there a part of you that is asking you to keep yourself safe by staying away? I think that is reasonable.

Maybe there is also another part of you that is traumatised and is seeking to bow to her needs to prevent an explosion or any repercussions. But you are big now and she can not hurt you.
If you are worried that she will lash out or find a way to punish you for not going then that’s even more reason to stay away from her.

She sounds like she has caused you a lot of pain and grief. You absolutely have my permission to do what you want to do.

Thankyou!!!! You are right. It's such a relief to have someone say, hey - you have good and healthy self-caring reasons for feeling this way, so stay true to that. But it's hard. Yes, whenever I am around her - even just hearing "the tone" her voice takes on over the phone when I know I'm about to receive a passive aggressive barrage of crap about something I have supposedly done wrong, some way I have let her down, or whatever....I can feel my whole body seized by tension and it's as if I am physically trying to create a hard shell to ward off her attack. It's horrible. I never feel emotionally safe around her and I never did. Her reaction if I don't go will be bad, but worse will be the abuse I get from her chief enabler, my father. How dare I upset her this way, after all she has done for me, what did they do wrong to raise such an awful daughter, how will they explain my shameful behaviour to the rest of the family ( and that's the real issue - how it will LOOK) , yada yada yada. No it won't be pretty. But I think I really must act on my own behalf this time and remind myself that after all these years I've finally seen the truth that I have nothing to lose anyway. It is a very sad realization to have, but better than tying myself in mental and emotional knots trying to find a way to do this and "make it okay" because I can't. Permission to fail at the impossible perhaps!

Thankyou again for your wise words and your support, I feel calmer for having read your response.

Thankyou for this welcome. I am glad I came back. I am not used to having a safe space to just blab it all out. It is a wonderful thing. I think I need to do more of it!

Hi and welcome back, @MightandPower66 .

Unfortunately, I can relate to your post. And if it was me, I absolutely would not go to your mother's birthday. I would see it as unhealthy to go.

You can arrange flowers for the day, send a special 80th card, send a large voucher, ring on the day and endure her complaints - whatever she might like. No doubt it won't be enough, but then not even you going up would be enough, you said.

You are not a hypocrite for not going. Rather, you would be a hypocrite for going. By not going, you are making healthy choices. You can still acknowedge the important birthday. You definitely do not owe her a trip there with all the abuse that would come with that...you've already "paid" with a lifetime of abuse.

I am writing from a background of childhood (actually lifelong) abuse myself. I started to heal at age 47 when I finally told my abusive parent how they had damaged me for life. They immediately estranged me, which was actually a good thing for me and allowed me to continue healing. We are back in occasional contact now, but I am no longer enabling the abuse. Hence why I am writing so strongly to you - usually I wouldn't write so strongly here on the forums.

And you don't owe her an explanation of why you are not going there, if that's what you choose to do. If she asks, you can say you have acknowledged the important birthday but are not going to visit on the day. Full stop.

Good luck making your difficult choice, @MightandPower66 .

That's a dreadful mother-daughter relationship, @MightandPower66.

The ultimate decision will have to be yours. You have several months to carefully consider. I didn't attend my father's funeral because he did something unforgiveable and I never spoke to him again. I only began speaking to my mother again because I only have one mother, and life is short. I didn't attend her funeral (interstate) either as my attendance would have caused skin and hair to fly. I have never regretted my decisions. Not for one minute. I only regret that it was necessary.

Perhaps I'm wrong but your mother seems obsessed with creating an image of herself and her family, and not attending to what is actually going on within it. That was how mine was. The problems within it were so big that it was better to just pretend all was well, create an image. Our parents are products of their upbringing too, and how tangled up it can all become when problems at each generation are simply passed on to the next who add another layer of complexity to it. In the end it all becomes insufferable for everybody, and we can't pretend our way out of it. In my family, the problem was not just with my parents, it was with my entire 'tribe'.

Your mother sold your horse to punish you? My mother walked into my bedroom when I was doing my homework and sadistically told me they had had my dog put down. (He was old, Alsation). It was a 12 year relationship and so unexpectedly being told was shocking for a 15 year old who had never suffered loss, and to be so cruelly advised was scarring. I have never allowed myself to have another. So I can imagine your unresolved anger, bewilderment and lack of forgiveness for having your horse sold. It hurts for a lifetime.

My parents have been gone for 20 years and I'm still working through all of the unresolved problems within my family and coming to an understanding of who they were, but who they were never able to be because they, too, were locked into behaviours which were not truly 'them'. What a mess families can become.

The decision will have to be yours @MightandPower66. Don't do it out of spite, but make the best decision under the circumstances. I wish you well and trust this post is not missing the point too much. Take care.

Dear Nature Lover

I appreciate so much your sharing of your experience. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with the same kind of pain all your life. Nothing can be more painful really than this kind of abuse. You were so brave to confront them with the truth!!! and prioritize your healing path. It takes amazing courage to do that. I too was in my 40s when I finally started to get a grip on what the story of my family really is and why I kept on ending up in abusive relationships. I've come a long way but there is still far to go. I just don't want to be a hypocrite. I don't want to be like her and polish up the happy families facade one more time. I can't go there anymore. I know that's a good thing and I just need to be strong for myself and live my own truth without fear for the consequences.

Yes I will send flowers and a loving card but I know it won't touch her in any real way or mitigate her anger. The flowers will probably turn out to be the one species on this earth she is allergic to. You know how it goes. I try to have a sense of humour about it but then again, it's not funny : (

Thankyou for your support and your inspiring words. Go well xxx

Dear Historylover

I just wrote such a long reply to your message but I must have spent too long composing it, because when I pressed post I got an authentication error and it disappeared. I tried to find a way to reload that screen somehow but it's not happening. That is frustrating!!! because your post really resonated with me and I found your insights and perceptions to be so accurate and helpful. Okay deep breath I will leave it for now and reply again later.

But I just want to say, I so completely understand the depths of anguish you felt about losing your beautiful dog the way you did. I cried when I read your story. The emotional cruelty, the callousness is breathtaking. And so wrong.

I will try to write my reply again later. Thankyou for your post xxxx