I've lost the will

Dear @Krampus ,

Welcome to the forums.

I hear you and I hear your hurt. I hear your confusion. I hear your frustration.

You are loved. People care. People see through the hurt, confusion, frustration and anger. They see a real person underneath it all. A person that is waiting to be cared for and loved.

Allow them to. You deserve it.

Hugs, tyme

@Krampus ,

I'd encourage you to reach out to these crisis services if you feel the need as SANE, unfortunately, is not a crisis service:

- Lifeline on 13 11 14

- Beyondblue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

- 000 if in immediate danger

I'll tag @BPDSurvivor who may be able to share some of their experiences with you.

tyme

I try. I feel I just can't get out of my own head.

Have you heard of SANE's Guided Service? You can self-refer here: https://www.sane.org/referral

If you are eligible (part of certain PHNs), you will be able to have an extra padding of support.

So far, we a servicing only a small number of PHNs, but will be expanding in the next few weeks. So even if you are not eligible at the moment (based on your postcode), watch the space and you may be able to get in sooner than you think.

@Krampus

@Krampus

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like there's been a lot going on in your life and there were moments you felt like suicide was the only option but somehow you managed to stay strong. I'm really proud of you! Based on what you wrote, it seems that the trigger for suicide is around the guilt and shame you could possibly feel from your action you reckon? The way you have felt/feel is totally normal. Please reach out to the contact numbers that other users have posted at any time when the feeling becomes overwhelming.

Now, while there're supports around, there're also things you can do to support yourself. And just to let you know that you don't have to answer to the questions I might ask on here if you don't want to. This is a safe space for everyone to share what they feel comfortable with. Anything you don't feel comfortable with, we can simply just skip that. But if you could at least try to answer to the questions in your mind or grab a piece of paper and write down a couple of things that would be helpful. Again, it's up to you. Only you can make a change 🙂

You mentioned you have had thoughts of hurting yourself and have acted on those thoughts for 4 times this month but your partner managed to stop you. Apart from what you partner has tried, do you know what kept you going and what keeps you strong?

When you wrote "I expect nothing from anyone, I give to everyone around me" That speaks to me that you're a caring person. You offer kindness for others which is a good strength to have. I'm proud of you. Even better if you can also be kind to yourself and to your needs. Have you ever heard of self-compassion? On the same piece of paper or quietly in your mind, give it a go and write down or think of your strategies that you plan to do to show kindness towards yourself. If you like, you can check this How To Be Kind To Yourself out to have a better understanding about it.

"I want to try to fix how I express my emotions" that phrase speaks to me you're aware of the frustration around communicating how you feel. Have you ever tried Box Breathing before communicating your feeling? It increases oxygen to the lungs and lower stress which can have a great impact on communication 🙂

If any time it feels overwhelming, don't hesitate to call numbers that other users have already posted on here.

x

@BasicBird

Based on what you wrote, it seems that the trigger for suicide is around the guilt and shame you could possibly feel from your action you reckon? Yes that's one of them, i f-up bad. I emotionally cheated on my spouse. I have a ton of self hatred and shame over it. He also loves to remind me of it any chance he can. If i have a negative emotion he reminds me what I did to him. Which just makes me feel like I am not allowed to feel anything because i hurt him and because of me hurting him I am not aloowed to feel anything.

I have given him all my passwords, access to everything, spend every possible moment with him, I only do things I think he won't get dissappointed or feel left out of. I give him every part of me and it seems to making my control I once had over my negative emtions almost non-existant. I seem to loose my control every 2-3 days. I think I'm loosing my mind. I know I need help. I feel selfish trying to get help. i hurt him he needs me to prove I love him and trust him and ant him. What I want or think I need should never come before him.

Do you know what kept you going and what keeps you strong? It used to be my children but that gotten all kinds of f-ed up so thats gone

Even better if you can also be kind to yourself and to your needs. Have you ever heard of self-compassion? Be nice to me..... I couldn't do that. Being harsh on myself is what has kept me kept me safe most of my life.

Have you ever tried Box Breathing before communicating your feeling? I have tried similar breathing excercises and it just makes the feeling worse. I'm at a complerte loss

@Krampus

Thank you for sharing about your children situation and I’m sorry to hear that. You have been through a lot and I admire your strength for speaking up. Thank you again for sharing.🌷

It’s totally understandable why you feel self-hatred. It sounds like you have made effort to fix what’s broken and at the same time you also have feelings because you are a human being. You totally are allowed to have feeling. But perhaps communicating your feeling to your partner while he may still be upset is not a good idea. There is always a place and time for everything. I totally understand you that when you feel overwhelmed, you want to share with your partner, the person you trust. You want to be heard, included, validated, or understood by the people you want in your life. And when the act of love is not there, you questioned your self-worth and you blamed yourself. But on the other hand, your partner has a feeling too. Being cheated on can be very resentful. The level of resentment will be different for everyone. It’s like a mosquito bite that affects everyone differently. Other people may feel itchy on skin for 3 days. He may experience discomfort for a week plus swollen bitten site and developed to a wound. His wound will not be soothed neither will get better by applying the wrong medication to it. So if apologizing, giving away your passwords, or whatever you’re doing now doesn’t work, it's okay to step back. And spend some times to look after yourself while owning the mistake. We all make mistake but we still have to look after ourselves.

I respect you when you said that being harsh to yourself is what has kept you safe. As long as you’re safe and feel safe, that’s the good part. But please be mindful that being harsh on yourselves can also have impact on your self-esteem, and that is not safe for your mental health. However, every choice we make always have pros and cons. Can’t win at everything can we? 😊 A lot of things that are good for us are out of our comfort zone. Things that are good for us, the result is up and down. And it takes time. Earning his trust back will take time. Being kind to yourself will also take time! x