Exhausted.com- planning help for two very unwell people has left me run ragged

Boundaries are soo important. You are playing a game of the smallest of smallest changes to inch forward and its going to be so hard. You can't fix what others do want to fix so the role of being a carer is not to be a fixer. Your simply acting in a role to hold hope, to provide services that buy time and allow a person the experience and perspective to change if they can. We can't be ableists.. We can wish a person to not have a mental illness just as much as we can't wish a person with a spinal cord breakage to walk again.

What is it you need at this point in time @ExhaustedCarer Not just boundaries, but boundaries for what and how will they give you hope?

You've raised an important point there @AussieRecharger . According to the world health organisation, health is not about the absence of illness, but rather, being able to live successfully with it.

From what @ExhaustedCarer has described, I believe is pointing to helping their loved ones manage in life, be independent, be able to look after themselves - rather than letting alcohol take full control.

Even from my own experiences, setting boundaries was so important. It was something I had to learn to do in order to help myself.

tyme

I have screenshot this. It has moved me and really shaken up my thinking in some really important ways. I do have a “fix” mentality. And I worry that without that, I think I’m giving up and letting mum and brother live terribly. But I’m not am i? I’m accepting they have an addiction/MI (the spinal cord analogy very useful!) and doing what I can to support them at their pace and need. Something tricky with these types of MI/addiction is the secrecy. I have started not keeping people’s secrets but I also feel this compulsion to “fix” so that when I finally share with another about it (usually someone else in the family) they don’t need to worry and the problem isn’t there anymore. I also feel this “fix” compulsion because I feel it shows other family members I haven’t “wasted” my time. My BPD sister doesn’t get involved and accuses me of over-functioning for them and wasting my time, but on the same token worries about them and comes to me when things are bad. Anyway, back to your comment, it has made me think about moving towards acceptance. And what you’ve said about our role as carers - holding hope, buying time, providing experiences to show what is possible - is acceptance. I can still care and do so without my fixing compulsion, if I accept the illness and addiction not as something to be eradicated but to be treated. Mantra - acceptance; acceptance; acceptance. 🙏🙏🙏

@ExhaustedCarer Welcome to the forum

Currently reading a bestseller boundary book, and tried to engage with the concept a lot for last 5 years. I am not sure it holds as many answers to life issues as it thinks. I believe there are limits to any one approach in the complicated real world of families and people.

You wrote

"I wanted to reflect on why it is I’ve let this become an enormous part of my life."

Our mothers and brothers are a significant part of our lives, one way or the other. I struggled with managing relationships with mine, It is extremely difficult when there is a lot of dysfunction. Sounds like you are doing your best to be a decent person. We cannot pick our family of origin. The line between enabling and caring is not a simple one. It is very blurry, maybe not even a line at all.

As issues unfold, maybe hold BEING KIND to yourself in mind, as you are trying to be kind with your family.

Nothing is a panacea ... meds can lead to substance abuse ... boundaries can be problem if they become rigid unfeeling barriers. Acceptance can be important, til we trip over something that should not have been underfoot.

Fixing can be great too, but as you say, when it is a compulsion its not really doing its job.

Regrouping and gathering your inner resources and energy for your current family and life seems higher priority at the moment ... in the up&down see saw ... shifting in life.

Take Care

Apple

Thank you thank you!

yes it’s funny because I know I need to have my own boundaries or I’ll hurt myself (“why can’t they just stay sober for a day while we do this?” “Why can’t he try and get into treatment while I try and get a forensic clean for mum?” Why?”) but I don’t particularly have the feeling that my mum or brother deliberately cross boundaries and ask too much. actually the problem is they’re not help-seeking and they’re secret keeping, so they never ask. And even though brother can be rude when drunk, he frequently tells me he appreciates the help I provide. So I’m not even really being told to back-off. I am just not being told anything when things go to shit and then I have to clean up a bigger mess (I mean I don’t have to but there’s literally no one else) than if they’d told me how badly things were going.

this has all got me thinking - my boundary today is that I won’t obsessively call them. They’ve told me they’re doing things to help themselves (it’s a crisis/critical point). And maybe today I’ll trust that and wait for them o reach out.

the other thing I’m going to do with I think tackles “enabling” and sets “boundaries” is I’m going to make transparency part of the deal. I help keep their secrets. Ie mum’s sister has *no idea* mum’s house is complete squalor. And my dad doesn’t quite know how bad brother’s drinking is and where he currently is. We’ll I’ve enlisted dad as a possible ally in an intervention for next week and I plan on telling mum’s sister where things are at this weekend. I need support and Allies. I want to retain dignity but not secrets and secrets are probably one of the few things I’ve concluded enabling and not supporting (in this situation).

Hi @ExhaustedCarer,

I just finished reading your post - my heart goes out to you. I have a similar story to yours - the last few years I have been caring for my chlidhood family for different reasons. One of my family member's has a serious mental health issue, another one had Parkinson's Dementia and the third is very emotionally needy. Initially I was trying to be everybody's everything - (like you I think) I am a Little Miss Fixer. I have been this way as long as I can remember. I felt like this was the role I was allocated within my family whether I liked it or not. What I found during this time was that whilst I was trying to fix the three in my family I was not being fully present for my children, partner or myself. Boundaries are hard, and I am a guilty person by nature so guilt lingered around my boundaries but I started to realise that not only were they important but they were necessary for me to have any quality of life and be the person I wanted to be / needed to be for the other people in my life too (and for myself).

I didn't stop helping my childhood family but I learnt to say no when I needed, outsourced to others, and learned that putting myself was not only okay it was essential. I also learned that it's not my job to fix everything, do everything, and be everything. I can't fix everything - when I really started to think about things I realised I had very little control at all. In hindsight I see that the more I tried to prop them up the more they seem to lean on me for help. For me this meant that I was crumbling under the weight of those that I was trying to help and sacrificing myself in the process.

It's is great that you want to help your family but please do it within the capacity that you are able to without allowing it to become all consuming and impact the other parts of your life.

Seek support for yourself, give yourself permission to just do what you can manage, set boundaries, let go of any guilt (as best you can at least), and know that putting your needs first is the reason they say to put that oxygen mask on yourself first.

I wish you and your family all the best,

FloatingFeather

It's a wonderful thing that you care about your family. And if having boundary is not an option for you, that's okay. The idea of being a carer is not about trying to solve, fix or do everything for the people you care for. It's more of helping them to continue living their best life while engaging them to be responsible for themselves at the same time. There're things you do to help support them and make their life easier. There're also things they can do to help themselves. Working in collaboration with them might be a good idea. Helps take the pressure off 🙂

Hi @ExhaustedCarer ,

I believe the post above from @BasicBird was for you 🙂

Thank you so much for this - so well out and so insightful. Because of the great conversations happening here, I’ve started exercising boundaries (in small ways) ie when my brother rang me at 4am to pick him up from hospital, I said I need to sleep for another few hours and picked him up a few hours later. I’m trying hard not to “drop everything at once” for him in particular so he can meet me half way. And it’s been going really well. If all goes to plan he’ll be staying at a treatment facility for up to 12 months from Monday & I truly believe the reasonable boundaries and supporting him to also step up have been a huge part of this. I’m helping him pick up the pieces but not just assuming that responsibility by myself and it’s working ❤️🙏❤️ I hope this helps others who struggle with boundaries too - we can do it without cutting them off