i dont know if i can..

@trezor. Sounds like a few things going on at the moment. You have a lot of negative self talk going on in your head. Unfortunately that just feeds into your depression. And therefore becomes a viscous cycle.
It's hard. I know. I've been where you are. Hiding as much as possible - mainly to protect myself. But that just made things worse for me.
You didn't mention a diagnosis or whether you have ever been on medication or a psycholigist.
I have depression and anxiety and had PTSD that has now been successfully treated.
You may not like the advice I'm going to offer, but it will make a huge change in your ability to lead a fulfilling life - where you don't need to hide or pretend or be scared anymore.
*talk to your gp
*ask for a referral to a psychologist
*be as open and honest as you can with the health care professionals. The more they know, the better they can help
*be honest with your wife. Tell her you are struggling. Ask her to help you. I'm sure she is aware that something isn't right. Trust her to love and support you through this.
*phone Beyond Blue or Lifeline if things get too hard. They really can help.
*keep posting here. We understand how you feel. We have been there.
*focus on your mental health first. Then you can look at your physical health when you are feeling better.
I'm so glad you found the courage to take this big step in posting here. It shows me that you are ready for help. Take the next step & make an appointment with your doctor.
You can get through this. You are stronger than you think.
And we are here to help.
You are not alone.

Hi @trezor, you've had some really great advice from @utopia and I second all that she's said. I just wanted to add that one of the ways that seeking help is important is that it gives us hope. I wonder if you're feeling a bit hope-less at the moment? Over-whelmed by the challenges of your psychological and physical health.

If so, in addition to reaching out for help from others, you can maybe start to work on a couple of issues yourself. Not the whole lot, just a couple of key things that are pulling you down right now. Perhaps you're lonely, despite your wife and kids. It's been known 🙂 And so re-connecting with an old friend could be good. Or changing your work set-up so you spend more time with others. Like working in a public/shared space. Concerned about your physical health? Change one meal. Maybe breakfast. Make that healthier and then build from there.

I don't know much about your situation so these suggestions may be off-base. The point is to start somewhere, with a step that seems possible, and then build on the success of that. This can not only improve your health but it builds up your reserves of hope. And hope is very protective. It keeps us safe.

Professional help (counselling) can then support these changes and work out which ones would be most effective. If you find the right person you can really open up to it should ideally also give you a chance to 'clean out the wound'. If you are referred to someone and they don't seem to be the right person for that, go see someone else! You have the right to change.

Better mental and physical health is possible @trezor. Is there something you can do today to move you a little closer?