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How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

florencefiftySenior Contributor29 June 2022, 7:43 pm AEST

How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

One of the things I'm most ashamed of, when I look back on my high school years, is my propensity to get involved in the lives of others.

I don't even want to go into detail. I think because I was bullied in childhood, I'm about ten years off in my development. I'm going through things most high school kids would go through. When I was in high school, I was embarrassingly child-like.

I have a big heart. But that also means I get concerned about other people when I really shouldn't. When that's really annoying. When I can't do much to help, or when it makes the relationship between me and the other person more complicated. There's a word for it...

Googles for a moment. YES, it's called "being an empath".

I have a little crush on someone at work. I know, me having feelings for someone is basically a recipe for disaster.

Today I heard that she got a really horrendous caller. One of my teammates took a call basically describing the fall-out. The caller was bad-mouthing her. He said he was going to go to a government body to get her fired. Apparently she started crying on the phone, and was unable to speak.

I was seriously horrified when I heard that. I was on the edge of messaging her to ask if she was OK, and then I figured she would probably want to move on from it, especially since she didn't bring it up. One of the other guys mentioned her, and the next thing I heard was "don't force yourself to do it."

I feel bad for her. She's under a lot of stress. Sometimes I feel like I'm making it worse, because she's often helping pick up the pieces when I make mistakes. For example, I calculated a discount wrong, and the customer got a letter saying he owes $11 for no reason. She helped me write it off.

She's really seeing me at my dumbest (I promise LOL).

I found myself thinking about her on the way home.

I really hope she's OK... but why? And it's not just her. Do you have any advice for taking on the feelings of other people? Mainly how to conceptualise it.

I saw a great cartoon about being an empath. A lot of the time, it's a thankless "job", and it's quite difficult.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sW0puluJ7BU

I remember seeing a couple in a restaurant. The guy was doing most of the talking, and the girl was crying. They were holding hands the entire time. I don't write, but I think I have the mind of an author. I wonder what their conversation could be about. And it made me feel a little upset. They're going through a lot, but they're going through it together.

You have to focus on your own feelings, but it's still sad.

4 replies

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In response to: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

maddisonSenior Contributor29 June 2022, 9:34 pm AEST

Re: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

Hi @florencefifty

In reading your post it sounds as though you have some gentle & sensitive parts to your soul! Nothing to be ashamed of - contrarily, I personally wish these attributes were more celebrated in people.

Personal relationships can be difficult. I don't think it is uncommon to have heightened awareness to others discomfort - especially as you mentioned if you have a secret crush! In a sense, this is exciting! Why does it need to be seen as a disaster. I can understand that feelings, potentially unreciprocated, could be seen as awkward or doomed for instance. Perhaps, despite the outcome you could consider how fortunate you are to still have this wonderful childlike quality - as you describe it.

I am sure you are probably aware, however I quickly wanted to highlight the importance of workplace boundaries (and 'all place' boundaries for that matter) Whilst it might be perfectly acceptable, or even unavoidable for you to have these feelings of romance - never do anything that would make this female feel uncomfortable in anyway. Perhaps it was even your intuition that stopped you from sending a message to her.

Can you honour your feelings whilst still honouring another person's right to feel comfortable in the workplace? I guess that is there point I am getting at.

I am not sure if I'm correctly attuned to what your post is about, & I hope I have not offended or misread you in anyway & if so, please disregard my insights!

Kind regards & good luck!

In response to: Re: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

florencefiftySenior Contributor30 June 2022, 6:41 am AEST

Re: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

Oh, my question was more so around the general feeling of empathy. I'm going to edit it as well, in a couple of minutes.

@maddison@Clawde

In response to: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

MissMuffetSenior Contributor30 June 2022, 9:18 am AEST

Re: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

I completely understand how you feel. I find myself feeling this way often. Whether it be witnessing someone else's discomfort - even watching people on TV, I "feel" what they are portraying - or actually interacting with someone who is upset. With people I am close to and comfortable around (like my mum or my boyfriend) if they are crying I will actually get teary. I don't really know what to do in that situation except to try not to make it about me. Other times I find myself in very similar situations to the one you described.

I'm currently reading a book called The Emotionally Sensitive Person in the hope of finding some strategies to help.

The fact that you are aware of these feelings is a great first step and I think just noticing when you feel this way will help to cope. Try not to push them away or beat yourself up but just sit with them for a bit and accept that they are there without judgement. They aren't inherently bad, it's just that you are probably more emotionally sensitive.

One thing I'm learning is that the more I push feelings away the more intense they become. Often once I acknowledge them they tend to dissipate and I can move on. It does take practice though and often is a lot easier said than done.

Hope this helps!

In response to: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

TideisTurningSenior Contributor04 July 2022, 2:09 pm AEST

Re: How do you cope with feeling OTHER people's pain?

Hi @florencefifty, I just wanted to stop by and say that I totally feel you on this! I am a fellow over-empath (or maybe just empath?) and someone who cares and feels very deeply. I have learnt that it's something I need to be careful with, in terms of completely taking on other people's pain, potentially at times at the expense of myself (as beautifully illustrated by the video you've also shared- thank you so much for that by the way! 😊). For me, this means I need to ensure I am taking good care of myself too and directing that same care at myself. I also find it helpful to identify and remind myself of those who care about me (maybe not the same depth, but still caring!), sometimes making contact with them or making plans for contact.

Another thing I've learned is that my depth of caring can be used as a strength, when channelled with care and consideration. Everyone needs, and deserves, someone to care about them, and many appreciate it too. It can be a source of comfort and reassurance for some people. It's clear from your words how much you care. I don't see a problem with that myself. I'm wondering if the idea of depth of caring being a strength is something that resonates with you at all?

If it feels like a concern for you though, or something that affects you too much, it might be worth looking into or exploring with a trusted loved one or support professional.

Take Care,

TideisTurning 🌻

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