What is wrong with me?

Hi @ItJustMe Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Welcome 💛

Would it be worth talking to your psychiatrist about this? It doesn't sound crazy. I actually think what you describe is a pretty common symptom of depression and anxiety, speaking from my own experience and from what I've read and learnt over the years. Sometimes when you get to know something so well, it's hard to be anything else. It doesn't mean you can't change, there are lots of people here, myself included who can tell you that 😊

I hope others with come by and share their experiences.

Hello @ItJustMe

WOW!

That is a heavy trauma-load and ACE score.

I could relate to the beginning of your post and immediately thought "trauma" and then you confirmed it.

I experienced some similar things and some different. Rather than worrying about what is normal. Usually most people have normal responses to abnomal events but the adding up of it all ... leads to a very different set of experiences than ... the ideal.

Work on your healing and whatever works for you .. is all that matters in my book. Nobody has the exact same experiences or responses so we all have to follow our own path.

Just the intensity of anxiety ... may eventually transform into more pleasant and joyful feelings as you work on self acceptance and healing. Use what the medical model offers that is helpful ... but dont limit yourself to it. Anyway that is how I have survived.

Take Care and Welcome

Apple

@ItJustMe

Hi

Sounds like you have a lot going on and to deal with.

I don’t think what you are saying is crazy. I actually understand it.

I have suffered from mild depression for the last 30yrs and to me it’s just normal. I don’t actually know if I have ever been truly happy. That dark cloud is always close by. Sometimes it gets to a dark place but then it comes back up to mild.

Until I joined here (a couple of days ago) I had never admitted a lot of things out loud. I have found it to be very supportive and it has helped to put out there stuff I have never admitted to before.

I hope you get the support and guidance you need

captain24

Welcome, @ItJustMe , it's good you've joined, where others can understand what you're going through.

---

@ItJustMe wrote:

I was sexually abused and mum said i asked for it. (I was 6 so not sure how she worked that out)

---

I am so sorry this happened to you 😞 And your other experiences too 😞

I think your experience of feeling safer within depression is common with a trauma background. I know that in my family growing up I wasn't allowed to be happy, so once I was an adult, being happy was a terrifying experience full of fear that something terrible would happen to rip it away, that's if I didn't sabotage myself first to feel safer!

It took years of fearfully letting tiny bits of happiness in, waiting to see if something bad would happen...when nothing bad happened, I would let a bit more happiness in, and so on. Now I can feel happy, but it also took years of working through the trauma with my psychologist. I've had a lot of healing through that...I will never be fully healed, the damage is too deep, but I've got enough healing to get on with my life. (I'm 50)

I'm only writing that so you can see that it is possible to recover enough to get on with life and enjoy it.

I'm glad to hear you have a psychiatrist...do they also do talk therapy? I'm assuming they do, from what you wrote?

A handy forum tip is of you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive.

Hi @ItJustMe,

Welcome to the forums. Your courage to reach out and speak your truth is something you should be proud of! For me one of the best things about the forums is that you can say things you may not feel okay/ready to say to anyone else and you are safe and supported.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. From reading your childhood experience I'm wondering if you're so use to feeling let down or disappointed that maybe you don't trust feelings of being at peace because you are conditioned to expect being let down? Maybe feeling highly anxious is such a normal day to day feeling for you that it has become your norm?

I think (if you feel comfortable/ready) it would be good for you to speak to your psychiatrist about your feelings so you can unpack these feelings together. I really think it would help you understand how and why you may feel the way you do.

I really wish the best for you and think it's great you have found us. There are many lovely and supportive people in this space so I hope you feel at home here.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

@ItJustMe, I totally get what you are saying. You've experienced so much trauma in your life. I have also experienced similar things and diagnoses, and my understanding (at least for myself) is that I never learned how to regulate my feelings about what was going on — or anything, really — and so could only really deal with crises, because that's all I had. It can be more comforting to stay with what you can "rely on" rather than what you don't know, because that just feels like more stress.

You're lucky to have a psychiatrist. I'd waste no time telling them what's going on. It doesn't sound crazy at all, and I'm sure this is a really common feeling for those of us who experienced so much childhood trauma.

I hope they listen to you, and that you experience some relief.

Just popping in to say Welcome, @DefGif !

@NatureLover thank you!