Can she really not remember?

That sounds like a really challenging situation to try to navigate @Carlo, though I'm also hearing you've sought support for yourself from counsellors and creating space for little breaks, which is great. I want to encourage you to keep reaching out for further support if needed. There's Beyond Blue, Carer Gateway and you may also like to check out the Australian BPD Foundation website here. For now, I'm going to tag a few others who may have more experiences and insight to share @BlueBay @Judi9877 @Determined

@Carlo 🥺

Sounds like you could be talking about me and my darling.

In 22 years we have not had a single holiday without major dysfunction.

All darling has is happy memories of our time away.

Not sure about what advise I can give except the importance of self care.

And boundaries. Boundaries made a significant difference for our family.

I resisted Boundaries for a long time because it seemed wrong making 'rules' for my wife. Until a counsellor pointed out they were more loving guidelines that provided an environment of security.

I have learned that a lot of what I used to and in many ways still do actually enables my darling not helps her 🥺

@Carlo first couple of pages of this thread may help. Gets off track to inital intent after a couple pages when the wheels fell of ourbfamily wagon.

https://saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/Supporting-my-wife-who-lives-with-Borderline-Personality/td-p/421727/jump-to/first-unread-message

Hi @Carlo

sorry to read your story. I have BPD and I personally haven’t had this with me.

but I was just thinking - I wonder if this is a coping mechanism for her. Her way of coping snd not having to deal with it. Just shut it down.

what @Determined mentioned about boundaries is a good idea. Although as a BPD person I hate boundaries. But when I think rationally I understand why there needs to be boundaries.
Also good point on self care. Even though it must be so difficult for you you need time out as well. Your health is important too.

Hi @Carlo ,

I'm sorry to hear how up and down things are for you at the moment. It sounds like what you are experiencing is quite typical for a person with BPD.

Part of the 'forgetting' is that probably a survival mechanism develop over time. When things are so heated and difficult, a borderline may 'disconnect' with reality in order to protect themselves from feeling the emotional pain. Hence you may find your partner 'forget' such incidents.

It is certainly a tough ride for both you and your partner. I absolutely re-iterate the need to set clear boundaries. It would be good to set them in consultation with your partner. As much as this is hurting you, it is also hurting your partner. Their hypersensitiveness to emotional pain is only so real that most prefer physical pain than have to deal with emotional pain.

You are not alone. I've lived through the intensity of BPD, and I've come out of the thick of it. You and your partner can as well.

The hope is strong.

Hold tight,

tyme

How are things going for you and your dear one @Carlo ?

I thought I'd pop by to say hello.

tyme

I think when you have BPD your memory cuts out because you are traumatised again and again. She needs intense therapy to gain more control. I have been told I have BPD by a psych I saw once but my diagnosis is not clear and it was so terrible when I first started getting ill and I had attempted suicide many times but thankfully failed. If something was traumatic it’s likely to be blocked out of memory. When you are BPD you have a cloud of who you are rather than one clear person because that’s how to survive when you are abused as a child which usually ends up causing the illness. So she probably has different modes that take on different roles for different situations and sometimes when you switch between modes you lose a lot of the memories you had in a prior mode. She might also dissociate. I’m probably projecting onto her but I think I understand. She really just needs to feel safe and loved. The rage is a trigger because of past trauma which was never reconciled so it was unhealed. A lot of the time if you were abused in the past you don’t get closure or justice you just get chosen to be someone’s punching bag before they move onto someone else if you get away. So you get a chip on your shoulder and grow spikes to protect yourself.