the complications of recovery

The worst thing is happening.

the medication I started about two months ago is failing.

It's taken me several days to accept this. I wanted so muuch to stay positive and hoped it was merely a sample of the normal ups and downs. But alas, the first obvious sign was an anxiety attack after driving to the other side of town. I have always found it difficult to navigate on the south side. I went to visit a friend who I have visited a few times before and I got lost. And lost and lost.

By the time I actually got to my destination I was ticcing and when I had parked I started to shake, and felt overwhelmed and angry beyond reason.

I thought just a glitch. Let's not buy into negativity. By last night after several days of bouts of uncontolled crying I had to acccept the obvious. Med failure.

Every single drug that worked for a time I became resistant to until they had no effect.

I have always made a point of not counting my chickens. But in this case I was so heavily invested in it working, due to it being one of the final ooptions after 14 years, I decided to embrace the feeling of something far better than the dysthymia that has been my base level for 30 odd years or more. I thought work from a strength based ideal rather than a wait and see. And I am so afraid of the return of that darknes.

I become suicidal, it is complete and compulsive. Active and passsive. It stains life to blackness.

I can't bear the idea. Too long has this been the norm and I do not want to think of the choices I will end up making. I become totally irrational, make poor choices and end up in danger.

Tomorrow I will see my psyche and discuss if there are options. But at the beginning of this trial we both knew this was a last grasp.

I feel such a hippocrit, Going on about recovery and then not being able to keep it going. This drug made possible all things.

Some may say that meds are bad, there are better options but not knowing the details of my condition they would realise that this clinical intervention is so needed. Complex trauma, developmental and inherently treatment resistant is down to malformed neuropsychology. Not a "chemical imbalance"., not simply a thought disordering, but something that is intrinsic to my biology.

I should never have hoped. I know better than that. But I did. Stupid stupid man.

experience is the teacher. Posistivity is still important buut maintaining that is impossible.

No need for any response. There is no help or solace. This is just me talking. I have noone else. So I came here.

Hi @Rick,

im so sorry and can understand why you would feel shattered. I know I can't say anything to change your situation but just wanted you to know I can feel your pain through your words. I really hope is that there is another drug that becomes available as some stage. In the meantime hang in there @Rick, from stories on here there is always hope. Ive been here listening in the background. Your last post sparked much thought for me. Hang on to what you know is possible. Thinking of you and sending best wishes and hugs 💜😊🤗

@Rick - reading, with you. so sorry, hard times.

It just seems to get harder.

Symptomatically I'm a mess. My ticcing is currently both motor and verbal. Normally I can kind of short circuit the damn thing and minimise but not now. Hypervigilance is delvoping into paranoia, leading to greater isolation and anxiety.

My job, is effected by this

I feel my position is at risk. And not getting any reassurances is problematical. I'm dealing with any and all potential negative isues from students including a case of sexual harrassment by one student to another.

I am not au fait with course materials at this point and so am not anchored well in the delivery of content. Infact I believe as I engage the group in discussion that we lose the timetable which in the end effects outcomes.

My collegue and senior doesn't get that though I had a few weeks of wellness, now that meds have failed it is so difficult and my masking is not up to par. Even when acute for so long, the ability to mask and cope within that acuity was possible but since the acuteness has returned I'm not bouncing back. I am very vulnerable but it's expected that I continue to be bullet proof.

The whole intervention in the harrassment dynamic was actually ok but the after effects of what turned into a confrontation,( no matter much I attempted de-escalation) left me raw and reeling. All I got from work was a debrief, and I had to write an incident report. But no concern at all, for my welfare. My collegue was just releived that she didn't deal with it. Should a junior, who has had no in house training and is vulnerable at the time be the one to deal with this?

and now it's been implied that there are issues with my work.

I don't even have a role description to fall back on. I am the MH go to for eveything.

Originally I was just supposed to be a cofacilitator as the peer mental health course must by legislation be delievered at in part by a peer. Now I'm the content specialist what the feck that means. I write content, I've been asked tp design models of practice for submision for funding with a week deadline. It can take months if not year to fine tune a model. The bare bone of it,the concept and brouad service took me 4 days.And then I find our that my work is owned by my employer.

And yes., normally I have great big balls to deal with crap like this. But now I don't. I'm actuaally intimidated by my boss, being used by my collegue and dealing with complex symptoms that so acute you could cut yourself with them. The night mares which have never gone away are now prolific. I wake between 4 and 5 time a night from the damn things. I doubt very much whether I'm gettting any quality deep sleep at all. And I'm healvily medicated for sleeping. BUt come 5am I'm wide awake, startled and exhausted. The melacholic crying is bad and it take just the slightest pressure in the wrong places to set off cascading triggers. Intrusive thoughts and images, immersive and intrusive memories ( fllash backs is the common term incorrect term) isolation, isolation isolation.

So alone. But strangley safer alone. But so lonely. I miss my daughter. It's xmas soon, this will the third Xmas since I have seen her or spoken to her. She;s 14. I need to be there for her. But the exwife sees me as an adversary. She can say anything and that's ok, but if I question or God forbid challenge a perception

well lets just say she now refuses to communicate with me at all in any medium.

And I miss my kid.

for fecks sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm falling to pieces and noone is noticing.

You know are no support group for non sexual child abuse survivors. Certainly my abuser was a psychopathic sadist who derived sado sexual kick from her torture.

But ..... well, I didn't touch her when she asked me to.
Yes it's probably an isue but a small one in comparison to be interogitively tortured every couple of weeks. !4 years ................

So know to relate to.

So godamn alone.....................................

@Rick

It is so good to see you post again, even if you are struggling.

You are doing good work.

Feelings all over the place is sometimes the human condition.

I miss my kid too. If I think too hard about it I can spin out.

You are valuable.

Can you make friends with yourself?