Loneliness

Hi Joanne,

It's been 12 months since I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 yrs. I thought I was coping as well then a couple of days ago my brain just started thinking so negative about the future.

I understand what you are saying I have only 1 family member and all friends interstate.

I joined this group today looking for support...you are not alone.

Hi @Joanne1

Being short on friends at the moment does not make you a loser, so your feelings are not giving you a good picture of reality. That however is not uncommon for people both with and without a mental health diagnosis. In other words it is pretty normal.

I can also also relate to your problem of friends who are not there for you when you need them. Again I believe that this is also a very normal situation. It seems to be much easier to attract “fair weather” friends who are happy to socialise and have a so called good time but will disappear or be too busy at the first sign of real need or trouble.

One thing I learnt some years ago was that to have a friend you need to be a friend. In other words, we need to look around for people like ourselves who are perhaps feeling lonely and hopeless and reach out to them. There are plenty of such people around when we take the time and effort to look.

Of course this doesn’t mean the friendship will be reciprocated. Often it is not. I sometimes find myself in a position of doing far too much for people who don’t respond. Occasionally, people that I have reached out to even try to take advantage of me.

Good and loyal friends are not easy to come by and one of the problems of reaching out is the “not good enough” thoughts and feelings that can easily get in our way. Toxic ideas like “who would want me for a friend” can easily take over. Again in almost all cases, these thoughts and feelings are not reality.

I can assure you that there are people around who do want your friendship as much as you want theirs.

In my experience, finding and making strong and lasting friends is not easy and requires quite a lot of time and effort. It can also be a bit of a hit and miss affair. I find that when I meet someone it is difficult to tell what sort of friendship, if any, will develop.

While not easy, I think reaching out to others in friendship is worth the effort.

Regards

Willy

Hello @Joanne1 and welcome to the forum. There are lots of friendly people here with lived experience of what you are going through.

You are definitely not a loser and I certainly don’t think of you as nothing. You are a very important, valuable person deserving of friendship and support.

Sending lots of love

💜💜💚💚💜💜

Hey @Joanne1 . Nice to meet you. There's a lot of us in the process of rebuilding (or rebuffing) our social selves in here. You know what they say about a "friends in need".

When it comes to the real world, I like the Diotima (priestess/Greek philosopher/Plato's symposium drinking buddy) "Ladder of Love" model. Moving from "self-love" centers to "universal love" tangents/heights/spheres.

In practice, I think that means have some little goals for current and/or new circles. Enough to feel good when you do it, while also, doable enough to get done.

I feel lonely.....I don't have any 'friends'....

today I had anxiety...I have been having that awful 'background anxiety'...

the anxiety that doesn't go away it's always there

it was constantly affecting me at work ..but I don't think anyone noticed

work was a pretty bad experience today....probably some of it was due to my anxiety and stress

and the other part was the usual problems that are work related...neverending problems....

I asked people for support today I needed support for when I went home but everyone was busy ....so they were not at home at the time

I needed support.....

It's very hard as I have agoraphobia and autophobia ..aka monophobia

I had to go to the shops to wait for rescue....fortunately the shops are near to my place and I know them well and I was able to wait there

then I got more bad news to deal with now.....I don't know how I am going to cope it's too much

for me at the moment

I have a relative who is going to go to hospital and I am really worried

@Joanne1Hi Joanne I can kind of understand what you are saying about 'meaningful connections'..

Never having had any 'connections' myself I can't say I fully know what it would be like...

But I think a lot of people who call themselves your 'friends' aren't really that sincere....

I think people want someone to keep them company or make them feel good about themselves or have someone around to take advantage of .....

But when these 'friends' hear bad news or you really need their help that is the real test ....

Human nature is like that ...most people out there are not sincere they want to make themselves look good in front of other people, to get more money by connecting with the 'right' people, to blend into the 'right' social circles so they can boast about it or feel good about themselves that they have managed to get themselves into the 'popular' group, to find others to 'gossip' with so that they have something to do with their time - as they have nothing better or more constructive to do.....

I feel tired going through all these examples but I am sure you have some of your own....

to me a friend is someone who is there for you when you are down and is willing to listen to you, to

encourage you, and even if it is very painful at the time , to tell you the truth about what they think of the situation even if they know you probably don't want to hear about it

Because they care so much about you and always want the best for you even if it means painful conversations and negative reactions from you in the short term

A friend doesn't care about what car you drive, how much money you earn, what job you do,

how big your house is or what suburb you live in, your nationality, appearance, your imperfections

That is what I would call a friend

@Willymy problem is how am I going to find any 'friends'..

with the agoraphobia and everything else

today is bad...I'm stuck at home as it's Easter

normally I would be at work

same as Monday - no work

Hi @jamesle2015

You say "my problem is how am I going to find any 'friends' ?"

The only immediate solution that comes to my mind is one step at a time and one day at a time. My experience is that when you get into the mind space where you appear to be at the moment, even baby steps can be incredibly difficult.

But incredibly difficult is not the same as impossible.

These days, if I find myself in a situation like the one you are describing I would ring LifeLine. Because they are usually advertised as a suicide prevention service, for many years I didn't think they were appropriate for me but I was very wrong. I have found them to be very useful on a number of occasions. Today I think about them as offering a free and immediate consultation with a well trained, highly skilled and usually very helpful therapist. Nearly all of them of course are volunteers which I think may be a positive thing in as much as they may respond more like "real people" than "professionals". My experiences with them in recent years has been very positive.

There are of course other free telephone counselling services. Some, like MensLine, who perhaps are not as well known, may be more appropriate or comfortable for you. I understand that the telephone support people at MensLine are all professional psychologists.

As said, even baby steps like picking up a phone and dialling a number can be incredibly difficult but incredibly difficult is not the same as impossible.

Best Wishes

Willy