Arch enemies?

Hi @PTG

This must be an incredibly tiring situation and I'm glad you've reached out here. There are many here who are also carers so I hope you will find some support. I'm going to tag a few members for you 😊

@Shaz51 @tyme @Smc @Determined @Anastasia @Faith-and-Hope

Hi @PTG and welcome to the forums 👋

It can be really difficult as a Carer to prioritise your own well-being and self-care. There is an inbuilt caution to knowing that if, as a Carer you reach a point of burnout, there are now two to-be-cared-for people and no Carer for either of them …..

The saying, “apply your own oxygen mask first” is really important to remember, so apt. It may be helpful for you to visit a counsellor and work out your own boundaries and create strategies to prioritise and uphold them. If you are a highly empathetic person it it easy to just keep giving and giving of all your time, efforts and energy until you run dry. We have the ability to replenish, but only with boundaries and supports for ourselves.

”Who is caring for the Carer ??!”

Sending you a virtual hug.

F&H

Thank you for posting @PTG ,

I can definitely relate to what you are describing.

I can provide a bit of insight into what MAY be triggered in the brain of a borderline (please note this is not the same for all those diagnosed with BPD. I am writing from experience).

When a loved one spends time with their own friends, a borderline's automatic thought pattern and emotions go into overdrive. "He cares for them more than me, so wants to spend time with them", "I'm not good enough", "I'm too bad, and that's why he'd rather spend time with others" - all of which align with the BPD trait, FEAR of ABANDONMENT.

There is so much insecurity within, that a co-dependence is formed and your wife cannot live without you there all the time (or knowing where you are or what you are doing).

I remember a BPD therapist mentioning the idea of 'intense jealous'. This is not a malicious or intentional jealousy. It stems from living in a world where everything seems out of control, so they want to hang on to someone stable (for security).

I'd encourage you to have a browse through:

Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT

LIVE CHAT: BPD for Friends, Family and Carers - This Sunday 3rd October 7:00-8:30pm AEDT

Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

This may give you more insight. Please reach out if you have any other BPD-related questions.

tyme