What's wrong with me?

I can relate to your turmoil so well, @florencefifty . And yes, that is tragically common, isn't it? People belittling the magnatude of your problem, or suffering; or belittling the importance of meaningful relationships in one's life. Or all three at once. 😒

---

@florencefifty wrote:

If no-one can imagine the extent of the problem, what hope is there of fixing it?

---

So true. I am constantly amazed by the escalated level of discussion at high levels about loneliness; yet the complete absence of any proposals to develop a system to fix it.

One would think that some of the biggest solutions would be real no-brainers. Things like an initiative to encourage therapists to unite compatable patients together as friends or even romantic partners. There's no one-shot-fix-all solution to the loneliness crisis, but some of the biggest facets of the crisis can certainly be addressed with relatively obvious measures.

But, as you say, nobody seems to be interested in fixing the problem, because nobody seems to recognize how bad it is.

---

@florencefifty wrote:

In that case, I think you need to do some serious reflection and self-improvement. That's really unusual.

---

Oh yes. Uninformative, unconstructive victim blaming. That's always helpful, isn't it? I know this one all too well, I'm afraid.

The obvious flaw I've always noticed in those sorts of comments is that they reflect the prejudices of the person making the comment, who tends to be the sort of person who I'd never want to romantically appeal to in the first place. So how is it a recipe for success to distort my persona to contradict what my ideal woman would want in a husband?

And that's assuming that the person posing the critique offers you a clear vision of what the want you to be, which they typically don't; so you end up just stumbling around in the dark, trying to appease someone who has already decided to hold you in contempt, no matter what you do.

All the same, even though the commentary is flawed and useless, doesn't mean that it doesn't cut deep. It does, doesn't it?

Hey @florencefifty. No-one loves me either, no-one likes me, and they even construct lies about me, too. And the lies are believed, even by my sibs. I am a pariah even in my family. They think I am a dreadful person because others have said so, and they choose to believe what they are told simply because someone said so. No-one checks if anything is true. But I know they are wrong.

When I met my ex-husband, I was a blind date for a relative's friend. He turned me down. I was 17 and that hurt, but that was normal in my life. I didn't think anyone would ever want me and I became more and more fragile. My self-worth was zero.

My life took its path, my later marriage failed, I relinquished my daughters so that they wouldn't be used in a tug-of-war and I have not seen them in 37 years. I had such a hunger for human contact in those early years, in my 'sent to Coventry' life, that I used to go to the library for human contact, not to speak, just to be part of humanity. I discovered books there and that has been my saving grace.

For the past 20 years I have lived in complete isolation. I am not a recluse. I am not socially awkward. I'm a very decent person. I used the time to self-educate. Time is too precious to waste and personal growth makes us desirable company. I think I am good company...I'm just trying to understand better what I'm doing wrong so that I can find my way to where I belong, to fix my life.

Recently I have asked who wants a friend who has no friends? I considered the answer to be someone else who has no friends. I am sticking my head out above the parapet lately and trying new things in different situations. Sometimes I fail but I just regroup and try again when I recover. Different stages of our life can render us wiser from experience and greater maturity.

It's awkward being a 'singleton' when it seems everyone else is coupled. I consider myself a strong person but I acknowledge that I have to fight feeling 'needy'. It's tough. But you can do it.

I don't know if anything I've said is relevant @florencefifty. Believe in yourself. You're as worthy as the next person. That is a lesson I am pleased to have learned. I hope you learn it too. Sending best wishes.

Hi @florencefifty ,

Whilst I am not in quite the state of isolation you are in, I just wanted to say I hear you, I understand and what you are feeling is valid. What I'm seeing on this thread (I say this of @chibam & @Historylover also) is intelligent, eloquent people who are more than capable of self reflection. What I am guessing is the more life has isolated you, as it has done to me to a slightly lesser extent, the more self sufficient and strong you have had to become. The more self sufficient and strong a person is, the more others take the attitude of "that person can do just fine on their own" and boy do they leave us on our own. I have had little care and little support in my lifetime, my partner is the one person who ever consistently cared. Of course he is quite ill and I am his carer, so that comes with its own difficulties.

Apologies if I have digressed a little. I guess what I'm saying is I can imagine where you are, I share your frustration with the way others can't try to understand and even turn it back on you. I know what it's like to be constantly invalidated, and you don't deserve that. It isn't okay. If I had an answer to overturning this isolation for you I would give it. Still trying to figure that one out for myself.

Kind thoughts,

AFK.

I wrote a message to you lastnight @florencefifty - but then as is the way of things, my internet dropped out and i couldn't post it. But i'm going to try again. Theres nothing wrong with you, most people who are genuine and intelligent do feel lonely or find life difficult. The reality is, there are a lot of lonely people in the world, people doing it tough, people who have problems - but they don't really put that stuff on tv and they don't promote that way of life in the ads. People think loving someone and being loved is all important and it will solve their problems. It might, if you really find someone who cares, but a lot of the time love is selfish. I realise your probably having a difficult time of it at the moment but heres a few things. Not about finding someone, but just some things worth trying. Try to initiate some conversations. Go to a coffee shop, compliment the people on their food, ask them what they recommend or whats good today. Go to the library and ask the staff there to help you with something. Even just say random stuff to people whilst your shopping. This might seem a bit unusual but you'll find that if you start the conversation, often times people will be happy to talk to you. Its really difficult for some people, but just blurt some words out, ask a question and its a good step on the path towards feeling better which will help you in trying to find someone. and if you dont find someone, it's ok. theres a lot of single person people out there, trying to figure out their lives. Another thing is that you can try donating a small amount to charity, or giving to an op shop. Not because its the right thing to do, but because it'll help you feel better about yourself.

@Historylover I'm going through that library phase at the moment. It gets me out of the house, and helps with my mental health and my thinking. Coffee and a trip to the library seems to solve my problems for a few hours. You have an interesting story - i suppose that everyone in this forum is here for a reason. If it means anything - i care, and i'm thankful. I've been through a lot of difficult times and i've learnt a lot from that.