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Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

JennyMCasual Contributor17 Mar 2022, 6:35 pm AEDT

Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

So I have found this forum today, hope I can find some support from other mums that might understand or have gone through the same thing. You cannot really talk to friends alot about this as they dont know what to say. Saw a psychologist recently and all she could say was its unfair and sad ..... yes I know that, I need coping strategies. I think talking to other Mums will help, just to know I am not the only one to go through something like this. My son is 36, I have not seen him for over 5 years now. He lives only 20 mins away. He has schizophrenia and has decided he does not want a relationship with me. I did not ever believe it would go on for this long. It is devastating to say the very least. Most times I cope ok, but there can be triggers and then I feel like I am walking around with a hole in my chest.

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In response to: Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

tymeModerator17 Mar 2022, 7:02 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

Hi @JennyM ,

I am so glad you have found us here. I know there are other parents here who have been through very similar circumstances.

Your feelings, fears and triggers are so real and so valid.

If you don't mind, I'd like to share my side of the story (from a child's point of view). I was estranged from my parents for nearly 10 years. I didn't see them, involve them in my life, speak to them or contact them. I had so much going on for me that I couldn't bear to connect with them. I had no ill feelings towards them. I actually cared for them so much that I didn't want to talk to them. I left home in my late teens (lived 5 mins away from my parents), then moved interstate without telling them. My mental health was a mess. As much as I knew my parents wanted to involved themselves, I needed space to sort myself out. I needed time away from them so that I could 'grow up' and be empowered to make choices about my mental health without interference. And yes, I didn't always make the right choices, but I've learnt from those.

What I'm trying to say @JennyM , is that as much as it hurts, perhaps your son needs time away to be able to 'grow up'? What do you think?

Leave the doors of communication open. That's the best thing you can do. And wait.

In the meantime, your mental health is of utmost priority. I encourage you to continue reaching out.

@Krishna

Kindest, tyme

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

JennyMCasual Contributor17 Mar 2022, 7:07 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

what a wonderful response, thank you. yes maybe that is the case. I guess as its not verbalised, just silence, its hard to understand. thank you for the insight. I think you are right and it gives me some hope. I know he knows I am always there for him. Do you think its a good idea to send a text to say "thinking of you x" maybe and just leave it at that, or do you think that might cause pressure? Bless your heart Krishna for responding

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

tymeModerator17 Mar 2022, 7:12 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

@JennyM ,

Yes, definitely. Intermittent texts "I'm here if you need to talk", "Thinking of you" , "Looking forward to seeing you", "I love you" are texts that will mean a lot. Text and leave him to respond in his time.

Sometimes, after not seeing you in so long, he may feel guilt. Hence, these texts help leave that open line of communication.

A mother's love for their child will never cease - I know that for a fact.

Strengthen yourself now so that you'll be able to receive him and support him when he returns. Yes, there is great hope.

Also, it's probably good to know that although my relationship with my parents is NOT perfect, when I 'recovered', I felt an automatic desire to want to reconnect with them. I've been opening up to them more and more - something I thought I'd never be able to do.

We are with you in this,

tyme

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

JennyMCasual Contributor17 Mar 2022, 7:16 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

thank you tyme, you have given me hope. love to you x

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

tymeModerator17 Mar 2022, 7:25 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

I'm glad @JennyM .

I look forward to hearing how you progress.

What you are going through is not uncommon. I'm trying to find some threads on these forums which delve into some of what you are going through. I remember the posts, but am thinking which threads to share with you. Once I find them, I can direct you to them.

tyme

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

tymeModerator17 Mar 2022, 7:44 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

@JennyM , Here are some threads which may be of interest:

https://saneforums.org/t5/Welcome-getting-started/Parental-Alienation/m-p/1140521

https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Daughter-and-BPD/m-p/1114360

https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/How-to-live-with-absence/m-p/1064764

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

JennyMCasual Contributor17 Mar 2022, 7:45 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

thank you

In response to: Re: Hi, new to the group

tymeModerator18 Mar 2022, 7:46 pm AEDT

Re: Hi, new to the group

As I pass through this thread, I wanted to see how you are going today @JennyM ?

Did you get up to anything special today?

tyme

In response to: Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

Afairgo0919New Contributor19 Mar 2022, 2:33 am AEDT

Re: Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

My son's 19 I had him in local court last year for assaulting me he doesn't hold back I was genuinely worried he could hurt me and step back and think oh god what have I done, I have been in domestically violent relationships even them I had a feeling they were holding back whilst physically tossing me about I reiterate my son doesn't hold back his terrible alcoholic narcissistic father who I am always said nice things about in the hearing of my children had him in court pleading not guilty so now the poor child who isnt a child, has this to follow him forever a not guilty plea with a guilty finding is an attempt to be dishonest to a court not something anyone needs. Yes I like you think it won't go on for too long its about 2 years just under, I brainwash myself everything comes out in the wash end in due course and his siblings tell your brother I said good day anywho unfortunately he is the stubborn child like me we don't let go of our garages we own them without a mortgage on them anybody telling us to let them go we'll get that we like to hang on to ours him and I, in this case my son may have me on a silent treatment for some time to cone unfortunate he has osteo crumb Donna 100.benign bone cancers, four operations and only 19 now. We talk about them malignant change around 80 years old. But we don't know what his grandmother was 63 I named my daughter after her, yes my mother and love is was something else perfect our sun my ex-husband it's definitely not from her gut... My slogan you know so yeah it sucks especially when my current partner is a narcissist Asperger's and has got me on domestic stockholm syndrome. Thank you for your ear thank you for your story definitely not alone your son schizophrenic my son behaviour problems due to growing up with DV and curvature of limbs being spoilt because of his cancer really, again, all begine at this time. That said the child can do no wrong I just want it to see him definitely not save me save him any pain if he were to cause me some serious injuries or death, as far as im concerned, today yesterday or tomorrow I'm ready I've had it. Definitely not suicidal suicidal, but definitely not all chipper for another dawn like the last 14yrs

In response to: Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

KrishnaSenior Contributor19 Mar 2022, 8:27 pm AEDT

Re: Heartbreak from being Estranged from Son

Welcome @JennyM to the forum, a good place to share your story. My daughter also suffers from schizophrenia aged 27 and estranged now for 2 years. The last time I saw her was Feb 2021 and she didn’t recognise me as had just undergone ECT treatment and perhaps her memory was playing havoc. I don’t know, but she escorted me from her hospital room like I was a complete stranger. No recognition of who I was. I’ve received one txt message since then, months later, asking for money. It’s a heartache like no other. She was appointed a public guardian 12 months ago and at the recent review advised the team that she no longer wants me involved in her life. I sort of gathered that but to receive this message via email sent me down that dark hole again. I am managing to climb back up these past few weeks but gosh it’s hard. I txt her regularly and send letters and little care packages each month just to reassure her of my love and support. I never receive a reply but am now accustomed to that. There’s never a day goes by when she’s not on my mind and will forever be in my heart. I have received grief counselling which helped a little but as you mentioned, certain triggers leave me in tears. All I know is that she is safe with a roof over her head, lives 3 hours away and has a good community mental health team keeping an eye on her. It’s my birthday in 2 weeks and I know that’s going to be a hard day to get through as are other special dates throughout the year. I miss her terribly and simply have to live in hope that one day she will communicate. I also know in my heart that she is trying to protect me from her suffering and loves her dad and I very much but would do anything to be able to support her through her dark days. Her illness has progressed to the point where she really is a completely different person but still my girl no matter what. I’m sorry for your pain and loss. Taking one day at a time is all I can suggest along with self compassion and care and make sure you do things which bring you joy and a little happiness each day. 🙏❤️

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