Get Rid Of It

There has been too much going on lately, so much so that I don't know where to start.

I'm trying to get over it day by day, slowly with time but sometimes nothing seems to change and that i am only deteriorating every year that goes by, I question if there is any point in working on this chaotic and fucked up mind of mine all too much these days.

I have a few ongoing problems with the balance of my mental state that will take a lifetime to get back into a stable state, its almost like I'm in a constant state of alert and edginess, this is intolerable at times.

My brain has been feeling like its been burning up (literally) and then going numb (literally) i don't know how else to describe these feelings but they seem to come on when I'm stressed which is almost always. I made an appointment with a neurologist to see what is up, it will take a while but I am on the waiting list.

Another issue that i have now is that my school, which is an alternative school got rid of me recently, this has caused me a lot of issues as there are not many other schools that can take me right now (I'm 18) for my final year. THIS SCHOOL WAS HORRIFIC. The things that went on in there were depraved and sick, the teachers were not well equipped to deal with kids in there which had all sorts of issues (which they claimed it was for that reason most kids ended up there and knew how to deal with them) and to put it bluntly were pedophiles.The schools "well-being" team were terrible too as they barely did anything to help kids better deal with issues. Anyways in OCT last year there was an incident where I ran off onto the road and they called the ambulance and I went to hospital. From then i wasn't allowed to go for 5 months, they were saying i could go back until i had the meeting which they set up 5 months later from which they told me "1 hour a week" i was obviously upset but I accepted that. Then they called my mum a day before I went back and stated that they had lied and were never going to bring me back so they essentially wasted 5 months of my life on bullshit instead of telling me straight up the whole truth.

From the chaos that was last year

1. It's become harder to cope

2. I have become extremely depressed

3. I have suicidal thoughts on the daily

4. I have ended up in emergency a few times

5. I'm at my weakest point

6. I barely even can connect to people (not even online anymore)

7. I haven't had a proper friend for years

There's nothing I can really do for myself anymore. Fuck hope and fuck the psychiatric system, For 13 years it hasn't helped and I'm only getting worse..