release

I've had a really tough 6 month but the last 2 have been really bad , to the point where I'm actually feeling like in going crazy and that maybe I'm not the person I think I am m and that the people that hare bad to me are right in their estimations of me, I'm starting to believe their backstabbing and lies , I am scared of people, I don't feel like I can trust any one, I no longer feel my sense of strength to go on that I've had up until now, its like my brain and body has finally said ok your win I'm done.

The straw that broke the camels back was my father passing away at the end of November and even though I have an older bother and a mother , I was left to deal with it all without any support, not even a phone call to the lead up to the funeral, my brother i spoke to the day dad died and I haven't heard another word from him since to this day, this made me realise that now that my dad is gone ,so is the only remaining family member that loved me is gone and I am feeling very alone.

I tkae medication for anxiety and major depression and up until about 3 months ago i was taking medication for ADHD, I have ended an abusive relationship with a dangerous narcissist and have been left to pick up the piece for my self and my teenage daughter. Its been alot and I am feeling more scared and unsure of my mental health than I've felt before, I am trying very hard to keep my life on track but i have lost all enthusiasm to do anything much , I just get up in the morning and sit on the couch staring into space and thinking about all the things I need and should be doing , but then on other day I feel like it could go out and have the confidence to get a job and be part of the world , I feel like a yoyo, I don't trust myself to be able to keep it up.

I want to go to the doctor ant get help but she hasn't really been any help for a long time and the psychiatrist I see once a year isn't interested , he just gets on zoom with me once a year says a few words doesn't listen to me and says see you in a years time, I haven't even bothered to tell him I've gone off the ADHD medication .

there have been a few times over the past 2 months where I have truly felt like I have been losing my grp and have questioned why I'm still even here and it always comes down to not wanting to hurt my kids, so it just feel like I'm just sitting around waiting to die, I love my kids with all my heart but I do think that they, especially my daughter would have been better off being raised not by me and by someone less emotionally changeable and disorganized.

I'm so tired of being betrayed and hurt by people that I have loved trusted and I feel like I am starting to actually believe that I have deserved this treatment and I have not realised what a bad person I really am, I'm just so confused , I don't have any people in my life that I can rely on, no best friends, no family even though I actually have a huge extended family .

I feel like I have lived my whole 46 years of my life with a dark cloud over me, like a family inheritance that no body want and doesn't realise they even have, maybe this is why I have been treated so differently , I am so confused I've not been a bad person, I'm too kind, I'm honest to a fault, empathic, just different though .

Sorry I'm rambling trying to get my thoughts out of my head , not sure if any of this makes any sense