What it feels like.... Possible TW for some

I thought I'd share some of my recent story and what it feels like to be 'gaslit' by someone you love and care about, in hope that it might help someone out there recognise the warning signs:

I'm going to add in a trigger warning for this post as it details emotional abuse and the repercussions it had on my mental health, so read with caution.

So what does it feel like? For me being gaslit meant

• Being lied to over serious matters, being told conversations were 'innocent' depsite being pornographic in nature
• Being told these types of conversations would cease, but never did
• Being told that was just him and I needed to accept it or leave, I tried to accept it and make things work
• Being discarded time and time again so he could VC with her
• Being told to give them space and being made to knock on doors in my own house if he was on VC with her, yet she could interrupt our quality time and ruin it with her abandonment issues and he would run to her
• Being told I was overreacting to everything
• Being made to feel like the woman in my own relationship
• Being told I was oversensitive and taking everything the wrong way
• Havong my kindness, compassion and empathy used against me
• Being made to question my own feelings and being made to believe they were wrong
• Being driven to a psychotic break
• Being made to question my perception of reality
• Being driven to psych admission because I truly believed that I had lost my mind and that I was finally broken inside and beyond repair
• Having everything I felt trivialised and dismissed as ill mental health
• Being told my lack of sex drive was what caused him to engage in these types of conversations
• Being ignored, regarded as clingy with attachment issues and told how much of 'turn off' it was and then running to her when her abandonment issues flared up and regarding it as 'cute'
• Having words constantly put into my mouth and then him getting defensive saying you always do this
• Being cheated on via the web likely more times than I care to know and being told because it's online it doesn't count
• Having him bring her to our house and expecting me to lock my self in one room so they can spend time together and being guilt tripped about how it made him feel guilty and it wasn't fair on him
• Being asked to leave my own house one weekend so he could bring she could come up and spend alone time with him
• Being told that an open relationship meant he could 'play' with who he pleased and I had no say
• Having all the boundaries of that open relationship stomped all over, despite me respecting him and those boundaries
• Being disrespected and treated like dirt time and time again
• Being told 'boundaries' were ultimatums and he didn't like ultimatums
• Being accused of having traits of NPD and being a narcissist
• Having my selfness nature used against me
• Feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells, literally scared of saying something that would lead to his accusations
• Being asked not to talk about the specifics of out relationship ending so that I can avoid shame and disgrace of having a mental breakdown

Looking back I can see now why everyone tried telling me I was being gaslit and emotionally abused. It's not something that's easy to accept. But I'm slowly starting to see that whilst yes, I've made mistakes they don't warrant such actions. But it's still okay to feel all the mixed emotions I feel every day.

I'm trying to be kinder myself and accepting that after all this, that yes I am going to feel down, I am going to miss him and some days are going to be harder than others and that's ok. I'm not in an easy situation and it's going to be tough and I know I need to go easy on myself and accept healing will be a slow process and learning to trust another man again will be difficult and that's ok. At least I can finally breathe again and start focusing on myself, and that's not being a narcissist it called putting me first for a change so I can heal and come through this the other side as best as I am able to.