Have always struggled to keep it together

I'm in my early to mid thirties and have fallen through the cracks for years now. I've always struggled to maintain my life with a level head or feeling of security and wholeness.

I'm very introverted, and have lived in share houses my whole life. It has totally rattled my nervous system and sense of self. I hate going home and often spend my days sitting on the street, in a park, or riding public transport until i'm tired and go back home to sleep. I like socializing but only once i've had a lot of time alone to gather myself. This is a strange way to live while you watch the world and lives of others develop around you. Because of my depression and anxiety i've never been able to finish any study and struggle to get even unskilled casual work so i've mostly been living on jobseeker payments for 10 years, constantly scraping by. I feel embarrassed and have low esteem. I've also experienced periods of homelessness because I don't have the credentials to rent on my own and often can't find the energy to speak so living with people can be very difficult. I have some creative skills but have never found the psychological or physical space where I could work on these skills to try and make a living out of them, but am still trying. I always feel shaken and fragmented. My memories are often blurred and difficult to re-visit. On top of this I experience months of insomnia which has affected my ability to keep appointments. I finally found a good psychologist in 2018-2019 but it would often take me months to see her. I had about 8 sessions in total. Now she has moved and even after a Medicare rebate on a mental health care plan her rate is still $150 a session which I can no longer afford. So instead I use online counselling services but it's just to get me through a day, I need more advanced care, and have been on a waiting list for 5 months now to see someone else.

You wouldn't know any of this if you met me in person. I look healthy, i'm warm and friendly, I can be articulate, and appear grounded. But deep inside is a constant feeling of inner turmoil.