Losing Favourite Person

Hello guys,

I'm new but have a bpd diagnosis and I would say that I struggle with all aspects of bpd. This of course means that my relationships with people are often rocky. I often start these thought pattern spirals when feeling under appreciated or not validated. Usually this ends up causing a whole lot of pain to myself and even other people. I may even accuse them of things that may not even exist (not caring about me, intentionally trying to do something to me etc). I have an extremely hard time trusting. Even though they say they have not done or meant something I cannot believe it. I want to, I really do. It's just terrifying that I may be building a relationship with someone that isn't safe and might be mistreating me. (I do say I believe them, so that no one thinks I'm a bad friend but I find trust very hard) I made this mistake so so many times. I really don't want to do it again, I'm scared of the big emotions that I have when people aren't good to me or I'm not good to them. It pushes everyone away from eventually.

So after explaining a little bit why I'm struggling I have to say that I was feeling hurt by my favourite person. (I didn't know this was my favourite person until after we first started fighting because it hurts so so much it's unbearable.) He is my best friend and he is lovely, I am constantly negative and he sometimes listens and sometimes brings me to facts about how they can be good. This is a brilliant friend for me. So I feel very lost without him. I told him I felt under appreciated because he was supposed to stay the night but chose to do something else, rather than saying "I'm busy next time" it felt like he was trying to make excuses that he would still be coming and I knew that this wouldn't be happening. I was mad about the excuses. I'm always so raw and honest with him I thought he could be the same. I thought he could tell me "not today" easily. But now I look back on it I don't even know if he lied. I think I blew it all out of proportion. I'm feeling so much shame and guilt, I feel lost and sick. I lose a lot of people. But this person seemed to understand me well. I considered him family. Like an unconditional type of love which I thought would be reciprocated but I just feel like there's only so much of me he can handle. I don't know what to do honestly. I apologised once and left it to be responded to. He hasn't responded and I don't know if he will.

I don't know if I want him to. I don't know if I can handle falling apart over other people anymore. I just would rather be safe. But that's lonely. And who knows what if I replaced him and did the same thing again.

I guess I'm asking how to repair this or if it's time to let it go and if so how do I not just pick up someone in the same way, how do I choose myself to love for instead?