Idkw4Casual Contributor
Struggling
Hey,
Lately, I have not been doing so well mentally. I have a long history of mental illness but recently I'm not sure what has been going on in my head. A few years ago I was in therapy for depression, I was addicted to SH and tried multiple times to commit suicide. I felt down all the time but I didn't hurt myself because of that, I hurt myself because I felt like a bad person, I felt lonely and the pain was a friend. I've been clean for nearly 2 years now and I don't feel depressed anymore, which should be great, but it isn't.
I feel like I'm going insane, I have intense hallucinations and violent thoughts, recently I've noticed that I'm not alone mentally anymore, I'm not sure if I would say I have voices in my head but I hear someone, they never say anything helpful just talk down to me and are largely the source of my violent thoughts, but sometimes I can't tell if that voice is me or not. I struggle to empathise with people and I say things I know will hurt. I stay up all night but I feel so refreshed and overwhelmingly happy in the mornings. Not all of this is new, I've had hallucinations for years, I originally got into therapy when I threatened another person (I was about 12) and got sent to anger management. When I look back at how I was then, similar things happen now. Life gets too much and I snap, I get angry over nothing and hate people just being near me. I could go on for hours how much I hate people for just existing and how worthless some people are. The only reason I'm here is because I genuinely believe that if I went to an actual therapist they would send me to a psych ward or try and drug me up until I'm just a husk like everyone else (anti-depressants were bad enough, I don't really wanna try any other meds). Every day that goes by I get worse, I'm worried I'm going to hurt someone i care about if I keep going on like this but I don't know what to do.
from cloudcore
