Lost and desperate

i would like to share my experience.

i'm Peruvian and i left my country 8 or 9 years ago.. cant recall.. i left cuz i wanted to study and get a degree, i started living in Brazil studying well, living fine, ups and downs but managing my mood... i think i suffer for depression cuz when i got down, i even hurt myself knowing its bad, bad for me i know, but i couldnt control it... now a days, i dont do it... i control myself more and i avoid situations that can take me down... things didnt go well at the end in brazil cuz of my mood, my behavior, and lack of love for myself and determinate decisions and i lost my focus... i got lost in my mind and i left everything i had built in those years... 3 to 4 years to the garbage... later i had some consulting in my country, cuz i went back... i dont know if it helped me or not, but took me again to reality, with more years older and supposedly "wiser" but now that i got back again to study, by the way, in another country, Argentina, i started fine again... still fine i think, but not how i want it to be.... Sometimes i think, i donno what im doing with my life, i like studying, i like the idea of one day become a zoologist and probably work with marine animals or help an organization somewhere in the world... but i think im losing my focus again, my aim, i donno why... i effort myself.. but i think i need to effort more and more! my parent count on me, thanks to them i still studying... so i cant give up... but why would i want that? i dont understand... i sabotaged my life once, i dont wanna do it again... but i also dont like how my life is going... im feel older, like i'm not supposed to be studying at this age... i'm still in my 20 s, but in 3 more years i will be 30..... feels like sooner..... the other older guys like me, they already got something else, i mean... they were something else before going back to school, but me.. im nothing... i never finished anything... the only thing i got is my languages.. but what can i do with them? nothing.. i cant depend on myself cuz i dont work.. i dont have another responsibility but studying and keep myself alive... but why i feel so uncomfortable with myself?? i was supposed to be graduated by now, probably doing a master or whatever... but i feel like im not moving forward in my life... things keep being the same... i dont hurt myself as before, but i do hurt me by not loving me as i such...

i dont understand! i got all the support... i got friends... i got family that count on me... but i feel im alone... like l cant say those things to anyone... and these things distract me, make me lost the time i need for studying or learning something new...

i cant open myself to anyone like i did it before.. i choose to be alone for a lot of time, but now i feel that lack... that emptiness... i havent even being "hug" with tender and love in a big while... i think i forgot the feeling of being touch for real.. with love.. not just for pleasure ..

i dont want to close my mind in my own opinions, cuz i may be wrong about myself... but i just dont know how to change that... is not like to change another country.. cuz not! it doesnt work that way...

thanks for the reading!