I have just had my wife of 14 years walk out of my life. Or should I say push me out of her life. She has been sick with cancer for all this time and for the large part I have always been her carer. My bipolar however has gotten quite bad over these last three years, and her reasons for leaving me were she stated that she never expected to live and had nothing to lose and now, coupled with being in remission, she wants to be happy and be with someone that is 'fun'. My bipolar was too hard to handle, it was easier without me. It is so similar to what my first wife did. Used me and then moved onto bigger and better things. I was foolish enough to think I could make a second marriage work. A mistake I will not replicate a third time. She too has walked out of my life and seems to be relishing the freedom she has. And so much of it was planned before hand.
If I were to relate my feelings at the moment, there is a part of me that totally realizes that I am better off without her. That she does not love me, and has used me and my love for her for her own selfish means, especially materially. I recognize she does not love me, and that I don't want her back, she is not worthy of me.
But my heart. Oh my broken heart. It pines for what it has lost. But what it has lost it lost quite a while ago. Slowly but surely it had the life sucked out of it everytime she turned her back on me, everytime she spent time with him, everytime I was put second third fourth in her life. By the time the marriage came to its end which is only in the last couple of months, there is only a shell of a heart left beating in my chest. Emotionally I am playing catchup because she let go of me and moved on a long time ago. I knew it was happening but tried harder, tried to make it work for both of us and somehow believed that one day somehow my love would be enough to hold it together despite my bipolar. Or that I could change enough or hold it together enough. I moved out into a caravan in our backyard to protect her from me and my swings, did all sorts of things. All that did was make it easier for her to move on.
The point I am trying to make using way more words than I should is that this love hate relationship, it will destroy you if you let it continue to fester. And that is so hard where children are involved, for there is that constant wound that continues to be opened and closed each time you make contact. For whatever reasons, however unfair and unjust and yes it just sucks and is crappy and wrong and if only. The mind is a magnificent tool when it comes to self analysis. And being able to think and run and make a million conclusions based on emotions rather than facts. But that hatred, that lothing needs to come out in a safe manner and not internalized. You cannot blame yourself. For the sake of your children you cannot sink to his level. You know you are better than that. You are better than him. You are worthy of love. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You might have a mental illness, but you are aware of that, you do your best to control it, and he is also aware of it. I have learned now that people who walk out of marriages will justify it however they can. What is important is your life, the life of your children and the quality of it. There are a lot of tools that you can use to help you through this situation. Therapists will suggest things like writing and burning, talking, keeping a diary, listening to music, treating yourself, setting small achievable goals, destration techniques, walking, hobbies, medication. Do you see a therapist, Pdoc, Pnurse. Are you on any medication and if so when was the last time you had it tweaked. I will admit, my mood stabilizers throughout this divorce are holding me a lot more stable than when I lost my first marriage. If you do not have any or all of these support mechanisms in place, do not hesitate for a moment to put your hand up and ask for help. Even with all of that, do not berate yourself. Everyone, even people with normal lives have bad days. Truth is some days these work and other days nothing works, especially with mental illness and extremely stressful situations like what you are going through. And some days you simply do not care enough to try and make it work.
And wanting to sabotage his happiness, oh yes can I relate to that. How can she walk out of my life, take 70% of my possessions and our child and our house and cause the loss of our business and now be stealing my friends and what, all of this because she decided to have an affair and leave saying that I was no fun and was just too much hard work? What? Yes I would like to say things I am not allowed. Heck, I have thoroughly looked into burning the house down and looking at what the reprecussions would be. And I have come close to having restraining orders put against me. But what will that accomplish? Really? I have been into psych wards, spent months in hospital where you are forced fed drugs. That is a place I do not want to go. Payback What will that do? For me it will only justify and play into her hands that she was right to leave. That is what my children will see. It will impede me seeing my daughter. Dang it is hard to remember that. And there are days that screaming into the pillow and then crying until my body is dehydrated is the only thing that works.
Let yourself grieve. But what you have lost, in my case, it was not worth holding onto. What I am, honestly, even now, hanging onto, has not existed in years. That is what I miss. And this horrible fear of being alone. I am middle aged and am going through my second divorce. 24 years married between my two wives. And I still have another 40+ years to live given a normal life. The thought of being alone like right now at 11pm at night and there is just me sitting here in a caravan when my ex is sitting in a house that I built, yes there is rage, there is anger, there is a desire to burn the house down. But, I am also trying really really hard to remember what I now fear is fear itself. Being single may well be better than what I think. It may lead to my mental health improving. My self esteem improving. My ability to look after myself, to develop new interests and friends and idk, there HAS TO BE SOME benefits to being single. No I do not want to be single. But I am trying to remember that I would rather be single with the potential of having a better life than being with someone who doesn't deserve me, who doesn't really make me happy, and does not love me. Maybe I can learn to love myself.
One thing is for sure. You are worthy of being happy. You matter. And He is the one that has lost out. One day he may realize that, maybe he won't. But you can hold your head high and know that you hung in there to the end. You did what you could. You have an illness but despite that you tried. Be proud of that. In the meantime, one day, one minute, one second, one breathe at a time. One thing that I have always remembered from a therapy session is, so long as you are breathing you are coping. You might not be coping as well as you want, but you are coping. While you are breathing there is hope. And we need people like you. For people like you make people like me feel normal whilst being broken at the same time.
My thoughts and heart go out to you at this difficult time. Don't give up. For yourself, for your children. And for ones like me, who have an incling of what you are going through, and know that you are a jewel. Just because he didn't see your true value, does not mean you are not valuable. Just ask your children.
