I Just Don't Get It

Hi... To be honest many people have probably felt some of what you feel some. Of the time. Your aspirations sound nice. But in this world if you don't have an income and material possessions people may not think about you as a good family person type. Strange how it is that way. And if you don't have a birthday party you might only get one or two cards. I know people who only married and had family after they had stable work and a stable place to live and we're seen as finally suitable. Strange how its that way... But it is... And life usually only gives you one good friend or two and family can drift apart.... I had to make sure I had Christmas and Easter at my house most of the time to bring my family together. Now covid stopped that. In some cultures and communities there is more togetherness... So you are right... Maybe it's time to move to the country or marry into another culture... Or go to the top end... Wherever you feel you may findyour partner. Someone told a friend of mine her partner was overseas as she never could get married. She went and found a partner and married finally. So... Don't give up... Try something or somewhere new... Bit hard during lockdown probably but give it a try maybe... You have your priorities straight from what I can see... Just look a little further.... Best of luck....

@chibam I don't know what to say to you, buddy. Our lives seem so much the same in so many ways. I just don't get it either.

Nobody in real life really likes me either. They 'befriend' me, use me, abuse me, then dump me. I have come to the conclusion we may be the scapegoats, the whipping boy and girl, whom others use as their go-to for that purpose, as it's less stressful for them if they exclude us, and talk about us, denigrate us because that binds them into a group with a common purpose. Better us than any of them, so to speak. Personally, I feel that I am 'marked'. Always last on, first off, so I've never been able to get established. I'm sure we are not alone here.

I, like you, and so many others, am a super friend - faithful, helpful, reliable and trustworthy. I enjoy the simple things in life but also the finer things. I just wanted to find people I could share these things with. Revel in each other's company.

I looked in on Meetup and as I look at the photographs, there are always people jumping about, hands in the air, laughing merrily, having a wonderful time. But, if life was good for them, they wouldn't be looking for their fun on Meetup, would they? And, as for the fun photographs, how many were there on their first visit, how many are as lost as we are, how many are still there? In other words, it seems to me that a great many in our society are lost too, and always have been! Looking for where they belong. It often seems they are just pretending all is well with them. Bluffing, and making us feel as if we are missing out on something.

You're not an 'undesirable loser' @chibam. You're highly desirable company. You stand out in a crowd. I think that may be the problem. Nobody can match you so they denigrate you so that you feel like that 'undesirable loser' rather than the fabulous fellow you are. You're not in the wrong - they just want to make you feel that way.

I am having the same problem at the club I joined recently - probably temporarily, while they size me up. I'm not expecting friends to be made even though that is my objective. I took to task a fellow who was causing me distress by touching me, singing to me and annoying me by his approaches. It was discussed at the higher levels of the club by the men and I am now the 'bad guy'. One person I thought a decent fellow is looking at me like I turned into an unlikeable, someone else - but I now realize that he turned into someone else, not me. And I'm beginning to realize that relationships there, and everywhere else, are not necessarily as they seem. That people are not as they seem. I am taking a step back while I assess what is actually going on in group and individual relationships, and with individuals.

As for birthdays, I haven't had a birthday wish since my mother died in 2003 - except for one call to a service provider which happened on my birthday. When she asked my birthdate and realized it was that day, she wished me a happy birthday! One wish in 17 years.

@chibam, I just don't know what to say to you to make you feel better, but just remember, we love you here because we know who you are, because we have taken the time to get to know you.

Thinking of the fellow who is always there for everyone - because that's who he is.

I hope I have not misunderstood your current mood. I just wanted to offer you my support. Take care.

Hey @chibam.

In a way, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I come from a family where the matriarch was so dominating and controlling that nobody else was able to ever have a complaint, build boundaries or develop healthy relationships with other people. This and my development very young of the level of anxiety that would see me stuck in a toilet cubicle for an hour at the beginning of any social event meant that I always felt as if I didn't fit in with society.

I was the wierd kid in primary school, followed by a horribly bullied to the point of police intervention in high school, where my group of so called cherished friends attempted to 'vote me out' of our friend group because I wasn't cool.

And no, this isn't a sob story about me as I have grown to accept that this is part of my journey. I am just attempting to show that kinship isn't always shown by those around you, or those that are related. Now as an adult, I am fairly reclusive in terms of social contact. There came a point where I realised that my closest friends were waiting in the wings for me to score drugs or other desirable goods to swoop in and be there for me so that I would, in my usual generous way, share, not knowing or caring to know the truth behind the situation.

My point at the end of the day, is that every person in this world has goals and aspirations and I have found that community isn't usually a part of people's holistic life plan, or if it is, its basically them, their partner and/or their kids against the world with one or two friends.

It sucks, and I understand your frustration. People who do not suffer issues with mental health are also people that I find can lack the depth of character to be able to empathise with you as a friend. In a way this is a positive, because you, and I, are deserving of people who have the level of comprehension to be able to be a good companion and not just pat you on the back and say "You'll be right" and "This too shall pass" as if it doesn't feel like the roof is caving in on your life.

Sorry for the length of this message, I do hope that it helps a tiny bit at the very least as it has helped my in my soul to write it.

Thankyou,

Exhausted1994.

You remind me of the Dr Suess book "Put me in the Zoo". I won't explain it. I'm not Dr Suess.

@chibam SO good to see you back on board. Hope you're feeling much better.

@Swansong @Historylover @exhausted1994 @wellwellwellnez

Thanks everybody. Your thoughtful responses all deserve a much better reply from me, but at the moment this is all I have the strength for. I'm just too tired to respond any more extensively at the moment.

As many of you pointed out, it's a sad old world to have to wade through.

@chibam How are you? I'm collecting some birth days and would like to know when yours is so I could send you a birthday wish on your day.

Sending best wishes and hoping your spirits have lifted a little since we last 'spoke'.

Hey, you, @chibam. Always brings a smile to my face when I see you out and about. Hope you're doing OK. I have been down in the dumps but through all the good folks here, am beginning to lift my spirits.

Sending best wishes.

Hi @Historylover . I wanted to get back to you just to let you know I'm not ignoring you. But unfortunately I don't have a lot of time right now to respond at length.

I would love to write you a more meaningful post - particularly in response to that other thread you've recently started. But in any event I don't know if I would have anything meaningful to say anyway.

I can only offer my best wishes that things with this new psychiatrist will turn out well for you; and say that, considdering what you've been through, your anxieties about seeing this new psychiatrist are very understandable and reasonable. Please don't doubt yourself to be paranoid because you have every right to be suspicious of a therapists motives, and concerned about your own future. And if this psychiatrist is any good at all, he will respect the origins of your anxieties and be as patient and accomodating as he needs to be to give you the help you need and deserve.

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@Historylover wrote:

@chibam How are you? I'm collecting some birth days and would like to know when yours is so I could send you a birthday wish on your day.

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Thank you very much for asking. But I'm afraid I never give that information out online. The tech experts always tell you to never give out your birthday online, and as you've pointed out previously, it's very easy to simply find the contents of these posts in a google search.

If you like, you can note me down on 23 March. It's not my birthday, but it's a meaningful date for me; and it's what I typically use when I'm asked my birthday on any online service.

Thanks for taking the time to write to me @chibam. You've been a great support to me. I think you are sounding brighter and more positive. Me too. I've had a few dark times in recent days and I think it may have to do with the fact that trust is now so difficult to give. I'm going to give it another go, though.

I have you down for 23 March. Take care.