utopiaSenior Contributor
Struggling
So I started seeing my Psychologist again, 2 weeks ago. I am having trouble trying not to overreact, get angry, breakdown, etc, when dealing with my emotions. I don't know how to feel things "normally" anymore, or if I ever did.
I thought after I finally went into remission for my Depression, that I would be "cured" of any further problems. Not of depression, I know mine isn't curable. But I just didn't expect to have issues, and pain..
Being single for 13 odd years, I have been relying on my mum. To back me up. Support me. Agree with me. Boost me up.
But lately I feel she is letting me down. Telling me I get angry over situations that I can't fix, that I just have to accept. Issues like women peacefully protesting, and the PM suggesting we should be grateful we weren't shot. Aboriginal incarcerations, children in jails, refugees tortured in detention centres both here and off shore.
I believe we can solve these issues. I believe compassion and kindness needs to be valued more highly than economics and corporate greed.
But mum turned around the other night, and told me, "you have a mental illness, you can't be fighting these fights, you'll get sick again". So I say, "well who will fight, you?" and she says "no, I did my bit, i entered a male dominated industry. I was there to help feminism along". So I screamed, "BULLSHIT. You joined that industry because it interested you. You were not doing it to improve the lives of other women. SHIT. What feminism did you teach us kids? You stayed with a violent, drunk, non diagnosed Vietnam Vet, who screwed up my sister and I. And why? Why did you stay with him and keep us all in danger? Because "you loved him'. What a f ing joke. And after us kids had all grown up and become adults, why did you finally leave him then? No for us kids, but because he wanted shares in your business. That was nothing to do with feminism. That was nothing to do with protecting your kids. No you did it because he would embarrass you if he worked there". And I hung up. Haven't spoken to her since.
All these old hurts and memories from my childhood have been bubbling up for the last couple of months.
My feelings are jumbled and intense. I go from 0 to 100 in less than a second, and I can't even tell you what emotion I'm feeling.
So today my Psychologist starts talking about, anxiety, stress and anger, and asks which one am I feeling. I say anger, everytime. He says no, it is stress or anxiety, and then if it is not dealt with it moves to anger. So I need to feel what my body is doing, between the 0 and 100, so I can just "sit with that feeling". Like, what the f!
My feelings are too intense to just "sit with".
So I am getting angrier and angrier in the session, and lonlier, and lonlier as each second passes.
I am tired of doing it all on my own. I am tired of feeling. At least in my Depression, I didn't feel.
So my old thoughts are attacking me tonight. Things like -.this will never get better, you have no friends, you are all alone, etc, etc. And the suicidal voice screams loud in the background. Waiting. Waiting.
I am going to bed for a very early sleep. I hate feelings. I like to sleep them away, and try and delude myself that tomorrow will get better.
Don't worry, I won't end myself tonight.
