where am I now ? still at a crossroads

hello everyone I'll tag @bipolarbunny so um I just finished watching a comedy movie and currently have the house to myself for this week while sorting out my mental health,alot of things are just out in the open now with family even the fact I have a romantic relationship is also most likely part of family gossip,the car I was going to get didnt work out unfortunetly due to unforseen repair issues so it was taken back to the seller,Ive had so much family advice,discussions about my life issues ect an overload of information,Im seeing doctor tomorow afternoon but started lashing out verbally online to family members again today,also putting myself down again,self loathing has been the worst lately cause when I was spending time away from home with family I was having times of breaking down crying but I made sure to be out of sight while crying,also kept going out their front door to go for walks but eventually the walking didnt help the negative thoughts either,have talked to lifeline as needed especially when not feeling understood or listened to about how I feel at times,I havnt liked the fact my whole family knows my issues as it just makes me feel like lashing out more,Im particularily upset about certain family relationships that I keep messing up as a result of my negative behaviour,one cousin wont talk to me as a result the other well hes finally talking again after how Ive treated him,my very understanding aunt has kept being my saving grace as she listens and understands the most without judgement or critisim or overboard advice she simply listens and understands Im thankfull she is my saving grace cause Im not sure what I would do without her,strangely enough she herself has been diagonesd with bipolar for years now so who knows I may have the same as her as she fully gets it,doctors appointment is tomorow Ill have to write some notes in the morning for doctor,but shes nice Im sure shell help and Im ok with being on medication,Ive just felt a bit powerless at times too,my uncles girlfriend has kind of swooped in saying that me and my brothers should move house on top of everything else I dont want to make a decison about moving house and finding a car at the same time as being dianosed for mental illness to be honest tonight I feel lonely being by myself but I am safe. Ill try to get some sleep now tired anyway but Im thinking I wont tell my whole family about the docters appointment even if everyone asks I should still have freedom to make independant life choices about my personal life romantic life mental health and living situation inspite of everyones opinions of what they think Im doing wrong,and what they think Im needing to do its still my life but I dont feel in control of it and pointing out faults doesnt help even though yes family has helped to an extent some have really overstepped and then they wonder why I also react so much,Ill only tell a select few about tomorows appointment not everyone who asks and wants to know the story hope that makes sense.I am trying to look up cars for myself and figure things out and that should be between me and my doctor anyway it makes me feel vulnrable having all my mess out in the open like this and if I do decide and doctor decides medication is a suitable option well I ant telling just anyone what meds Im on either ,yes family cares but sometimes they are just as much in the wrong as I am with how they sometimes go about overstepping to make decisions and do stuff for me its my life and my desision what I do and what I need ect sorry Im probly sounding ungratefull to people again I do love my family but I dont very much love myself at the moment anyway goodnight