WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Hi @GuiltyinLife thank you for posting and welcome to the forums. sounds like you are in a tough place and can be be painful. This is a great space to receive support and understanding where you can connect with others.Glad you have reached out and look after yourself

Hi @GuiltyinLife and welcome to the forum.

Hearing you about anger, it's something that haunts me too. So hard to live with being that person, I find. It's not the best of us and I too have experienced so much guilt in my life over my past acts of verbal abuse.

I do not have advice for you but understand what you are saying. Currently I am exploring mindfulness, involving meditations on the breath and other related things that are helping me to worry less and feel calmer.

Well wishes and hope you find the forum helpful.

Hi @GuiltyinLife welcome to the forums.

Like @Mazarita has said, I too can understand the anger which for me can turn into seething rage also. I also struggle to understand and accept that side of myself, at times I feel like a monster for the thoughts and anger I feel.

I've also found Mindfulness and meditation helpful, also exercise, something to help me burn off the negative energy. I also write a lot which can be really helpful to get things off your chest.

I can identify with your other feelings as well, it is a truly distressing place to be, feeling lost & sad. I hope you can find support here in the forums and please know there are plenty of people here who will care about you and listen.

I know it's very difficult but please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, you are struggling at the moment, but you are worthy of self care and love. xx

BB 🐰💙

Hi @GuiltyinLife. I am currently a university student and I know exactly what you mean when you say that each weekday you get up and do the same thing and during holidays you try to do as little as possible. It's hard to go through a routine that feels monotonous and often I feel like I am just carrying out the motions rather than really working toward a goal, which has been really demotivating for me personally. I really hope you are able to incorporate something into your daily routine that perhaps makes you more excited to go through the day. Personally I try to incentivise myself with small things to get me through mundane routines - these things can be as simple as a shower with music or a tv show or treating yourself to your favourite food. I've also found writing and listening to music to be therapeutic and calming because they help me reflect on my emotions more so maybe you could give those a try? Extending my support to you, hope you feel better soon - about yourself and about where you are in life. Don't be too hard on yourself. Focus more on self-love and that should allow you to extend more compassion and care to those around you.

@GuiltyinLife oh hey, did I write this? Can relate to all of it.

You've been able to recognise you're having issues with anger. That's important. That shows self awareness and a desire to change. That's a good thing.

Next step would be to explore where the anger is really coming from. Over the top responses tend to have a root cause, an underlying issue. If you can sit with those feelings and do some soul searching to get to what's underneath all the anger you can start to work on it.

In my case, my ridiculous level of aggression was a learned behaviour and also the result of living in an abusive environment. I did not recognise my level of anger was inappropriate until recent years. I've spent years in therapy going through it all and have a lot more control now and I don't tend to get to an extreme level of anger anymore. You can learn to recognise the signs within yourself and develop strategies to manage it. It can be done. Trust me. I used to be a complete effing psycho.

It's going to be ok you are in the right place to find answers. Sometimes that's the hardest part realising you need some help. Good on you for reaching out. The starting point is the self and you understand so much already next step is getting some support. You will find that here. Listen and take advice. Learn through others you are not alone.
Anger is usually based in fear and it's a pretty fearful time these days. Counselling will help as will recognising you need to speak to a GOOD GP who will direct you to the right help. You have taken the first step now take another.

Forgive my old-fashioned cluckiness but apart from everything else I urge you to look at your diet and hydration. Doesn't solve the problem but with the sort of things your going through some extra capacity to make serotonin gives you an extra edge (I say extra edge but serotonin is more of a social cushion/helmet/telephone/lots of things). People don't like thinking about it this way but our digestive system is a great analogy for our consciousness (I know. Yuk. But it's what it is.)

Hey @GuiltyinLife anger is usually related to liver issues. I follow the Lifestyle Medicine Man, Jost Sauer who is a traditional chinese medical doctor, tai chi expert / martial artist. Here is what he has to say about anger and liver QUOTE:

"My favorite anger busters that do your liver a solid: Tangkuei and Bupleurum (aka the ‘happy wanderer’) a lovely calming liver mode-altering, chi-moving herbal formula. Dissolves stress, puts a rosy glow on the day, chill-out central

Avoid the news

Observe 7 minute limit on social media

Chant ‘my organs first, my organs first’ to switch from mind to body / yang to yin

Tap GB points (outside of knees) to keep chi moving

Extra acupuncture (self-administered)

Squats to free up energy stuck around the hip - this is the kind of stagnation that makes you feel like screaming - free the gallbladder channel, free your spirit (I say)"

I'll say one other thing. I'm getting a sense of attachment issues. Admittedly, these days I see attachment issues everywhere. Human obligation is supposed to line up with human need. It's not okay when people don't get to feel that.

When you say it happens outside or work, that says to me that your effectively compartmentalising. When I look at the rest, I think you've got some passengers in your compartments. The worst passengers. Dissonances. Bitter dissonances. I am enfuriated on your behalf because it is such an unnecesary human-software problem that doesn't need to happen. Yet society still loves to perpetute it for some sort of lost sense of tradition.

(If it's not obvious I'm also currently cleaning out my compartments)

Here's my take. Dissonance is supposed to be inspiration. Then it gets caught up in other systems (I'm thinking the reptilian-brain limbic-system more than anything else) and it comes out just as punishing yourself for wanting to be happy. For this reason acceptance and commitment therapy really resonate with me. I think those two words balance out a big part of the situation. In order to commit you need to accept and vice versa. The "unnacceptable" override is a useful tool. Powerful even. But it gets pushed way too much. Too much stress on the system. Needs balance or the amygdala panics.

So give yourself a bit of a break. Maybe even love your frustrations (if only to shut them up for a while). That will make it easier to re-boot. And, that will make it easier to trade in old dissonance for fresh desires (without pre-loading expectations).

And, salad. There's nothing more sane than a salad.