Noise

I am an adult. I am safe. I am in my own house. My space. There is no danger. It's warm now, my dog is here making sleepy noises. Tv is on, have a full belly. I should be fine. I am not currently living in a traumatic environment, this is actually a pleasant environment to be in. But I'm not really here. I don't think I'm ever really here. Part of me has been left behind. There's pieces of me that are broken and scattered throughout my past. Parts of me that I'll never get back, never be able to bring into the present. They're stuck there, reliving those moments. Torturing present day me with their memories. I'm so tired of my memories. Why are they weighing so heavily on me? Why won't they stay in the past? Why do I keep obsessing over and over again? It doesn't do any good.

I've been drinking. It's gone to my head. Cleaned out the fridge from all the empty cans I've accumulated over the past week (kept them in there out of fear the ants would come for them) . To be honest, I was a little shocked to see how many I'd had this week. Definitely been drinking too much, just didn't realise how much. Possibly becoming a problem. Possibly. Enough of an issue that my therapist sent along a note to my GP about it. What will he say when I see him next? What will he say about how I've been travelling lately? I don't know. It's hard to get the point across to him sometimes. But that's probably just me being bad at communicating. Ughhhhh. I know i need more help than what im getting. That bexame blatantly obvious over the weekend. Far out. But what's next? I don't know. Probably nothing. Probably just have to keep treading water for a while. So tired of that though.

I don't know what I'm even posting here. Just drunk and thinking tooo much I guess. You'd think after everything I've put my brain through it wouldn't be able to think so obsessively like this anymore.

Im really just tired of it all guys. Every day feels like a struggle to get through. Every minute of every hour of every day. Just one painful day after another. Spend the day counting down the hours until I can start drowning it all in alcohol. This is my life? Just stuck, struggling, slowly drowning in misery? What a life. I wish I was the success story we all hear about. Wish I could just fu*king get it together. How long is it going to take before I feel like I can function? I've never been capable of anything. Always plagued by this persistent depression that just holds me back at every opportunity. It's always been there. Always. It's such a long time to go living with such severe depression. And I know at some point not too long ago I'd come to accept myself and all the issues I have. It was a nicer way to live. I remember it. I was so much better than I am now. I was managing it. It was still part of me and everything I do, but I was able to live. I don't feel like that anymore. I just feel broken. Useless. Exhausted. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could be stronger, find that strength I had and start moving forward again. But even then, it was still just managing, not living. I rememver being ok with that though. Because managing was better than this, drowning. But managing isn't living either. It's just existing. Never really contributing mych to society, just taking up space.

I just wanto scream right now. At the top of my fu*king lungs. It gets so loud in my head. Too many thoughts too many memories too mych pain. It's overwhelming.