as crazy as it sounds Sex is the one thing that's helping and healing me

@LostAngel

Interesting topic, the act does stimulate chemicals in the brain to make you feel better and you can become addicted to the high. I am happy that it is working for you, i mean i am sure you have having casual conversations as well and feel a connection, even if it is not love.

How is it helping you and what is it helping with? (besides the obvious human needs?)

its helping with my Sexual Identity,Emotional Identity and a source of stress relief,affection,mind you rough affection,the fact its not me thats having to be in control and lead but aomeone else that I trust leading,in my everyday life Im the one thats had to be responsible and be a leader in personality where as Ive longed for a way to surender control to someone else instead of me having the stress of being in control,its freeing on a deep emotional leval I would use the word exciting,exilerating ,a cooperative team working with eachother for maximum pleasure,the pleasure aspect is addictive to me,its helped in terms of letting of of fears associated with child abuse realising that someone will do these activities with me in a consenual controlled safe and comftable enviroment with my express permission and within appropriate limits that I set to my partner,communication,trust,emotional connection,physical affection and the encouraging affection in communication style,allowing myself to face fear of the unknown and healing something thats been missing in my life,allowing myself to fully depend on another human emotionally and physically,its also an escape for everyday life,also Im finding as strange it sounds its giving me a higher tollerence to pain,I enjoy both the pain and pleasure aspect,he is in control but only in as much control as I let him be,hes protection that sense of protection and reasurrance physically and emotional,the closeness,facing my deepest fears of rejection,Abandoment,and Vulnrability,allowing someone to see and be in the moment with all of me emotionally and physicallyand also to overcome fear of lonliness and fear of not being deserving enough,it helps with self confidence

Hi @LostAngel ,

You mentioned about yourself going through child abuse. I was previously taking an online course on child protection which is based on the United Nation Convention on the Rights of a Child. According to the UN report on child traffickers, mental illness, prostitution and domestic violence always go together. It's worth taking the course so you know what behaviour is acceptable and what's not on an international level.

I was previously looking after a youth with intellectual disability and ADHD who engaged in casual sex and also previously involved in a relationship filled with abuse and violence. For her it was the norm, for me it was a crime. I had to show her things from a different perspective as she only has her family in her relationship circle and unfortunately, her family has only shown her this. So that's all she knows.

If you're keen on learning on healthy relationship, please seek help from a local youth NGO who offers such counselling and education. Peer support group is also another way to seek healthy friendship with those who are on similar recovery journey. Hopefully you will attain emotional healing and fulfillment through healthy relationships and activities.

As you mentioned, your issue is one of addiction. I have another friend who takes 3 years to get rid of drug and alcohol addiction through ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) with the help of a psychologist. The therapy involves relying on personal values to make personal decisions in life. Since drug and alcohol consumption proved detrimental to his self being and affected his family life, he committed himself to become a clean and healthy person that he is now. He was previously kicked out of home by his wife, and she took him back once he got himself cleaned and returned to employment.

So perhaps you could ask yourself: Is this activity healthy? Is this in alignment to your personal values? What are the risks and benefits of such activity? A good psychologist and psychiatrist will definitely be the right person to assist you with this.

Take care and I sincerely hope you are heading in the right direction in your recovery journey!

thank you @Lilaca for your adivce its a casual Dom/Sub Relationship which is Consenual I may just need to clarify certain boundaries to keep things comftable for myself and Partner for example my limits and the need for safe words,he infact already disclosed to me that I have every right to tell him if Im not in the mood for this activity ect,mind you we are only Dom and Sub in the bedroom outside of that we are two normal people and get along on a emotional level,outside the bedroom he is very calm,reserved and relaxed attitude,we after care talk about our experiences and talk during as well,always communicating although hes more the communicater than I am and he is encourageing of me to just talk about anything also that I can tell him stop,we have discussed protection and thats my agreed rule at this point in time,of course Im free to add more rules and boundaries as needed,I do feel hes testing my boundaries by talking and discussing anything new first to see how far Im willing to go,outside of those activities we get along emotionally about other aspects of our lives,weve started to have more serious discusions outside of the physical regarding eachothers personal lives,I might just as you say check in with my values and make a list of rules for him to follow as we are heading it seems to a more serious level both emotionally and physically I may just need to voice my concerns more frequently like he does voice his concerns,he has assured me that being Dom for him is only in the bedroom not outside of it,hes teaching me things Ive never known before both Physically but also Emotionally its just more I tend to push myself a bit far sometimes in trying to please him and make him happy,its not really preasure from him its more my own desire to proove myself too much that I need to be carefull of as Im already mentally exhausted in general,need to be carefull not to become phychsically exhausted aswell,mind you he does check in with me frequently but its upto me to voice my limits in a respectfull way,look at times Ive made careless mistakes cause of inexperience but most of the time this doesnt bother him,only occasionally has he said a word or phrase that I dont appreciate him saying,Ive gotta be straight up with him about that instead of internalising it cause honestly he knows me well enough to tell when Im not comftable,I may almost rely too much on him to understand when I do feel uncomftable but of course theres no such thing as mind reading in any kind of relationship,infact I must say a Dom/Sub relationship comes with unique challenges and the need for even more clear communication than normal,he is very clear about his boundaries,I have not been so clear on mine which at times I think does frustrate him and anyway theres lessons like with anything,Ill see how he reacts about me setting more clear rules and boundaries on my side I know at least two more rules we should discuss also he does get frustrated at having to tell me the same information over and over at times although I try to have good memery about what he says its sometimes hard to let info sink in when where in a intament time,I have to say though despite our issues that we have at the same time there is a ammense amount of attraction,trust,good times that we share,to be bluntly honest Im sore and tired today from the fun weve had for a few times in a matter of two nights,it felt like things have hit another level entirely in a good way but yeah its still casual not sure that we will end up being long term or not,just embracing what we have in the now and building from there and I geuss thats the thing I may want marriage and kids in future but Im allowing myself to experience something I havnt experienced before,hes firm with me but also caring and takes notice if I seem upset

Hi @LostAngel,

Be wary of engaging in such dangerous acts, it might lead to potential crime and even death. Here's a case commited by a youth with a history of mental illness which ended in manslaughter.

Also watch out for potential grooming by "gaining trust" and later being forsaken. You may or may not be an adult, but I can assure you no one, not a child nor an adult, deserves to be treated in such a way.

No one in a healthy state of mind will engage in such violent sexual activity, so I can only assume your partner isn't ok too. Torture and pleasure are behaviours of a psychopath. Do be very careful of that.

If you need someone who has the maturity to guide you, seek out a psychiatrist or psychologist. Perhaps bring your partner along as well.

If you are after a life partner and marriage with kids, I am sure you will gain more maturity and stability in your life as a result but do be aware of child safe standards.

If you are seeking for emotional support, there are other healthier alternatives such as family, friendship, comradeships, etc. Join a sports team, book club, support group, etc. You will have a group of friends who enjoy similar healthy activity and totally supportive of you as well!

And lastly, love isn't always about sex...

Take care!

ok thank you @Lilaca I am an adult however you have raised some very important points to think about Im not sure how long our casual fling is lasting anyway,however I would like to think he is not a phychopath we are in a Dom /Sub Relationship which as far as I can tell is consenual on both ends but some of your comments have still concerned me,he plays rough at times,he does smoke weed as well as normal smoking,he doesnt live far from me which makes it a convenient situation however he does show care,concern,empathy,listening skills and stops to check on my welfare we get along emotionally as well as some intresets,infact tonight hes been here at my house while Ive been alone and although at first I was hesitant,I have seen him now in person at least 7 times and hes been to my house now more than once so I feel comftable with him otherwise of course I wouldnt invite him over,we talk and message ect ,we share life details,ask eachother questions,it kind of scares me that you think him a phycopath but yes he does have issues as everyone does to what extent I dont know,but he hasnt been violent towards me,we have boundaries,and I can always say no if needed,he tends to be pretty calm and yes its risky and maybe both of us have issues,I do sometimes wonder if he gets high on weed before seeing me and thats what maybe makes him so enthusiastic but yeah he listens to my concerns,like for example if I need a break or wanna take things slow then yeah we slow things down or whatever,I kind of feel he has this bohemium hippy type vibe which isnt scary but calming he bahves himself outside the bedroom like any normal person,he plays guitar,loves music,smokes weed,is into you know what pluss travelling so I kind of see that he likes and lives the rock and roll type lifestyle but yes I do need to be carefull if he was to turn violent with me I would of course do something about it.