@NooneSpecial
Hello NooneSpecial
The issues that you are dealing with are obviously long standing and I can appreciate that they give you considerable reason for reflection and concern.
By giving you background on issues that I face and are similar to yours, I hope that you might feel less alone in dealing with those concerns. I hope that you, I and other members will be able to discuss the issues and in doing so, may provide some clarity in what must seem like a very unfocussed and disorganised, even chaotic situation.
The diagnosis of the psychological issues that I deal with constantly are depression and, although I am no longer being treated for it, ADHD.
The word stoicism has come up recently during counselling. It is possibly because of this that I have not had other diagnosis(es) despite counselling over the period of many years. Hence your question about BPD, and other possibilities, rings bells for me.
I have been informed that my father had been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, which has been another possibility to be considered. However, that has not been identified earlier in my life, and at this stage I would question the benefit of doing other than simply living the best life that I can, under the present medical/psychological regime.
I can certainly say that my experience with this SANE website and forum, since I re-activated my membership earlier this year, has been very useful as a resource for my own benefit as well, I hope, as an opportunity to contribute to others in a meaningful and purposeful way.
Your story about your life sounds eerily like my own. The differences being:
that I am fortunate in having my own home. However, even that can be difficult at some stages with the various costs and maintenance factored in.
Your son is represented by my eldest daughter for me.
My Mum lived with me for about ten years before she passed away 2 years ago. That was a very special time for me and, I believe, for my mother.
The similarities in connection with the events and circumstances that you have described about your life are:
My daughter and her young son visit me from time to time. Those visits are, as you no doubt experience with your son, very special to me.
I have questioned, in fairly strong terms, the 'value', meaning and purpose of my life, and considered whether it would be better not to remain here. It is the potential for significant negative effects on my children, even those with whom I have had little contact, that has quashed the occasional ideas of suicide, nearly as quickly as they have appeared.
I was born in 1950, so am in the same age bracket, though a little older than you.
Two broken marriages
I can certainly identify with the idea of “one emotional drama to the next with periods of calm between the madness”
I received DSP support, for physical and psychological reasons, before qualifying for the age pension.
I have not had a companion-partner for thirty years, in part, because I was conscious of the turbulent nature of my life, and was not comfortable asking someone else to cope with that 'drama'. Previous relationship experiences have made me very wary of possible future difficulties.
While there have been very rewarding experiences in my work life I have had significant difficulties in maintaining an adequate level of balance and equilibrium in my personal activities at my work places.
The feeling of being “very old & worn out by it all” certainly connects for me. I have had three fusion and laminectomy operations on my back, the first being about twenty years ago. While the operations have enabled me to remain independently mobile, the cause, being stenosis of the spine, has severely limited my physical capacity.
Like you, it seems that I present reasonably well, considering my circumstances. I actually want this to be so, because it is my wish not to project negatives to other people. However, in connection with the “very old & worn out” feelings, I am becoming ever more conscious of my reducing capacity to care adequately for myself.
There are people of whom I am very wary, but I don't have a sense of generalised distrust of people. This is probably because I have participated in social and community activities in the small town in which I have lived for the past twelve years.
I have tried to live an adequate and meaningful life as an independent person. To do this, I have, for the most part, kept the unpleasant aspects of my life history, pretty much to myself.
I have a lovely Kelpie/Labrador dog, that is a great companion.
I have detailed the issues that I face, and the pleasant aspects of my life, in the hope that you may feel, at least, some reassurance that I and other people have and are going through a similar process of sorting out the reasons for various aspects of our lives.
If you would like to discuss any of those aspects that are common to us, or any other issues, I would be happy to discuss them with you.
With My Very Best Wishes
HenryX
PS: These are a few notes that may help you initially to negotiate some of the functions of the forum site:
Tagging:
To alert a person or draw their attention to a message that you have posted, you add the @ symbol in front of their forum name. Forum name = NooneSpecial : Forum address = @NooneSpecial
For example; I would flag your attention by adding anywhere into a message @NooneSpecial , as I have done at the beginning of this message to you. You would tag me by adding @HenryX any where in a message that you wanted me to be aware of. When you click the @ symbol while in the "Reply" box, a drop down menu will offer the names of the people who have responded to messages in the thread. Select any, or as many people as you would like, to alert them to your message.
Near the top right side of the forum page, the word “NEW” is placed to the right of “Guidelines & Info”. Left-clicking on the word “NEW ” will take you to the “Your Notifications” page where messages relating to you, or in which you have been interested, are shown, in the following way:
“@ Anastasia mentioned you in
Re: newbie.”
To access the message, left-click on the thread title, which in this example is:
“Re: newbie” which will then take you to the messages on that thread.
- Scrolling up or down will enable you to view all the messages on that thread.
A number in a circle, adjacent to the word “NEW 4” (as in point 3. above) will alert you that there are that number of messages, where other forum members have “tagged” you.
- Initially, there were quite a few functions, on the forum site, that I took a while to get to know about or get used to. So, please be comfortable about asking any questions about processes that you may wish to know how to, or know more about.
Best Wishes
HenryX
You might be interested in saying hi to the community over at this thread: 
