Going in circles

Hi @Danzig and welcome to the forums! Nice to meet you. I'm a Community Guide here on the forums. I'm just letting you know that I like what you've written and you have been heard so thank you for posting on here.

I have a lived experience of depression and social anxiety along with several other mental illnesses and I can understand what you've said about depression and anxiety very well. It's great that you've acknowledged your mental health and have been able to reach out for support. That takes courage so well done! I like how you've mentioned your past and what you now do to stay well and what you do when you notice thing's changing such as talking to people and distracting yourself when you aren't well. That's great!

I know there are tough times with the mental illness journey but there are also some great times as well to be had. You sound positive towards your journey and I like to hear that. You are a special person with lots of great insights so that is a gift.

I hope to see you around the forums soon. Take care.

Judi9877

I don't find myself in the area of direct self-harm, but, sometimes I harm or break other things. If I plan a few seconds ahead, I can find something disposable. Sometimes I kind of hurt my hands in the process but not as much as if I was harming directly. I generally find myself being very grateful to the innanimate object for being able to fuflfill that particular role in my support network.

I'm speaking from a hopefully helpful but admitedly ignorant place. "Rage-rooming" might be a good way to take the edge off. But maybe it depends on the edge. I tentatively recommend it.

Thinking about it, there's creative angles as well. That can help. Seems to me part of the general goal is externalisation. That should equal less burden, better perspective and more control. At least, it feels like that's part of the goal.

@Danzig

Hello Danzig

I like the thoughts and ideas offered by

@Judi9877, @wellwellwellnez and @Gwynn

and offer some more for your consideration.

From what you have written, you seem to have a decent hold of the issues that you face. I understand the frustration felt when we seem to have addressed an issue - Depression – “in time”. We feel as though we are doing “the right things”, as much as we can know and understand. And yet, we still see ourselves sliding toward the edge, wondering whether we will stop sliding in time. We are also thinking of what other methods we can use as a means of applying the brakes. While there are a lot of effective methods for addressing issues arising from depression, some methods can be generated out of a sense of desperation and be counter-productive.

Thankfully, as you say:

“These days I'm at least a little more in-tune with those things and found a GP to go talk to in an attempt to get ahead of things while I still could.”

As you have described in your situation, there doesn't seem to be any logical reason for where we are at sometimes. By all the other 'normal' or 'standard' indicators, our life “should” be going smoothly.

It is really pleasing to know that you have avoided the

“I'll push through this and work it out myself, and maybe no-one will have noticed” approach.

Consequently, you have set up a strong “defensive perimeter” and support structure, that includes other important people in your life.

I notice that you have referred to:

“My life is being driven by avoiding thoughts I have little to no control over”.

In other posts, I have suggested that it is nearly impossible to control a negative thought. That is because, to control the thought, we have to think, be aware of, and be conscious of that thought. We fight it because we think the thought is bad, evil, dangerous and should be purged from our life and existence. But a thought only has as much power as we give it.

It may seem counter-intuitive - (sort of like counter-steering on a motor-bike) – to simply let the thought be what it is, and stop trying to fight it. Then we carry on with whatever we are otherwise doing. Such thoughts really only push us back as hard as we try to fight them. The equal and opposite reaction principle.

Another consideration that may seem equally counter-intuitive is to consider what goals, projects or targets you have recently achieved, accomplished or completed. I believe, that sometimes, it is the release of pressure, when we arrive at a place that we have been working toward, that suddenly releases tension and leaves a space in our lives. We feel as though we can now relax. That leaves the space for other thoughts, feelings, reminiscences, to come into that space in our psyche, and suddenly we become vulnerable again.

I can say that I have “been there”, and I am still dealing with some of those issues. However, I seem to be managing the manifestations of these issues in my life.

Funny how the word “manifestation” is remarkably similar to “infestation”. In fact, I suppose we do try to apply preventative measures and treatments in our physical lives and spaces and our psychological lives also.

Danzig, I hope that some of these thoughts might trigger {in the best sense of that word} some ideas that are of use to you in your time, place and space.

With My Best Wishes

For Positive Developments in Your Life

HenryX

Thank you all for your replies, I have read them all a few times over past week or so and finally found the time to sit down and write a proper reply.
Things are sort of bittersweet at the moment, I generally feel better, but unfortunately I did finally cave in to the urge to self harm. I got it in my head that it might not be the relief I was looking for, that I'd do it once, regret it and that would be the end of it. Sadly that was not the case, but that doesn't mean I'm not still going to actively try and avoid it.
I've actually had some really good news recently, but it also means some big changes and a lot of work I need to deal with in the near term, that probably didn't help matters, even though it's good news.
I have a psychologist appointment on Friday afternoon and booked in with my GP for Friday morning to discuss things.
I'd love to actually understand where these feelings come from, maybe I will one day, I appreciate the suggestion of a rage room type approach, that thought helped me put into context that there's no anger behind any of this, it's a far more sombre mood. In fact I find being angry often mitigates the urge to self harm as it draws my focus.
Prior to 2021 none of this had been an issue for about 10 years, but these are unprecidentent times, and they just announced another 7 days of lockdown.

I just can't float things down the river though I did try!

Hey @Danzig

I just want to say, thank you for your openness is sharing what can be some really hard stuff to share. I won't speak on behalf on anyone else, but I for one think this reflects so much insight into your own thoughts and feelings and that's something I admire.

You're right about unprecedented times, and to me it makes sense that you reached out for coping strategies that helped in the past (even if it was 10 years ago).

I'm hoping that speaking about this has helped. Please do continue to reach out for support and share your feelings.

Because it is another 7 days of lock-down, those unprecidented times are set to continue. Would it be helpful to talk about some coping strategies that may be less harmful?

We do have an email service now where you can talk to one of our peer workers. The option is there if you need it. In the meantime, please take care of yourself. You are valued, and you are important. 💙