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I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

LeesuSenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 5:56 pm AEST

I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Yesterday I saw my new Psychiatrist for the second time. I let down a few of the barriers and opened up. I told her n my case worker that I feel shattered. For a long time I have suffered with Anxiety and Depression. With my most recent diagnoses of OCD,PTSD,PND.
Yesterday I decided to follow through this time and Voluntarily admit myself. I've finally seen the damage I have done to my family, my 3 yr old mimics my out bursts, and so I chose this road.
I hope I have made the right decision because I don't know what else to do. Im so scared of what will happen next..

9 replies

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In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Unknown userMember03 Sept 2016, 6:19 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Hi @Leesu

I feel exactly the same way but for different reasons. I truly empathise.

You have done the right thing - a very courageous step on your part. And you did it out of love for your family. This is a big step towards your recovery. It is frightening because when we feel that way and not in control we feel vulnerable and scared. But you are in the right place to start your journey towards healing. We all have to take that step for survival - helping ourselves. Well done. Feel good about that first step and hold onto the hope that it will take you to a better place - eventually. It all takes time, hard work, determination and courage but we will eventually find that better place. One day at a time. Sending warm hugs 🌹

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

YellowbrightCasual Contributor03 Sept 2016, 6:28 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

It sounds like you have made the choice to prioritise your health and your families health as well - i think that's one of the best choices you can make in a life, I hope in time it brings you comfort to know that you've made a positive step towards happier times and a better life for your family - well done!

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

LeesuSenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 7:31 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Thanks so much. I tried to do this about 4 weeks ago. But panicked so bad that I didn't follow through. I felt so guilty, and incapable. Being a person who has worked as a health professional I kept telling myself. I should do better. Or why cant I get it right. I think I've finally accepted now that I cant do it on my own an its ok to ask for help. Thanks again, I really do appreciate ur kind words.

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

PrincessmollySenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 9:26 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

I am so glad that i have seen your post tonight. I plan on getting top hospital cover in the next week and waiting out my two month waiting period then i want to be admitted. My 2 year old is showing signd of copying my outbursts as well. Its terrifying

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

LeesuSenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 9:38 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

I think I was too ashamed to see what was happening. Its nice to know im not the only one.

In response to: Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor03 Sept 2016, 10:04 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

I did something similar when my girls were 4 & 2 1/2 ... in that I booked myself into family therapy and then the family followed.

My psychiatrist of the time ... was not adequate ... but had ego 10 feet tall ... and really not helping me ... and I could not get anyone to admit me anywhere .. I dont know why ... so I looked up family in the telephone directory and saw the family therapy govt organisation and we did that for about 8 years.

I called my self a child abuser to them and insisted they take on my family... because I had lost control of my anger a few times ... however now I realise and the family therapy people realised back then ... that I was a very dedicated, diligent and committed mum ... and over scrupulous ...

anyway ... its not a been a total success story for me ... but I KNOW I did the best that I could do. I would have loved the time out of hospital .. but I dont know why it was never an option for me ... those doctors also need to deal with some of the guilt for that .. as I was actually doing social work cariing for the child of 2 schizophrenics and having to mediate between their idiotic squabbles and the extended family issues... whilst I was carrying the baby ... and dealing with a massive grief load ... doing all the dirty work and the massages, loving and cuddles and chortles ... but to the derision of my husband ... so now I accept that he was genuiney sick.

anyway .. I am also going to look around at my private health care options ... at last a hospital stay .. for me ... and then I can drop my load.

Phew.

In response to: Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Unknown userMember03 Sept 2016, 10:32 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Hi @Leesu,

I'm one of the moderators on here tonight. I just wanted to say how brave it was for you to make the decision to put your health first. Well done! It's a really tough decision to make, but ultimately it sounds like it will be better for you in the long run.

I think often as health professionals we put so much more pressure on ourselves to be "okay" all the time. When in reality we really should be taking our own advice and putting our health first! So I just wanted to say, I think you are incredible for actually doing that.

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, I'm sure we can all learn from the courage you are showing

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

LeesuSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 3:30 am AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

Thanks so much. I think the hardest thing I have ever had to do was acknowledge that I am only human. And even though at times I thought, how can I help others when I cant help myself.
Apart of me feels very selfish for needing to take this step but I now realise its ok and its something that will benefit my family as a whole.

In response to: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

LeesuSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 6:55 pm AEST

Re: I feel broken and I'm scared of what comes next.

I fully get what ur saying. My case worker said to me that I've created all these masks to be that perfect role model in the eyes of the community. Now its just a matter of taking them all of one by one. Until I see me again. I thought that was a beautiful way to describe it and I you just need to take each step at a time. The hardest thing is opening up to someone you've just met.

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