Upon reflection I must have really traumitised my son2

I have to face the same thing. We do not hurt the ones we love deliberately @Bunniekins. It is because they are so close and sensitive to all our moods, and we cant really hide. I tried to get help, and tried to put my kids before me, but the help was too little too late. I tortured myself about it for a long time, but eventually started to forgive myself, because being so hard on myself, certainly did not help things. I had to learn to laugh and relax.

Our situations are different, but it can also a good sign your S2 can be his real self with you. He is expressing his fear, and concern in one utterance. There are NO perfect parents.

Things are a little settled in our household. We managed to talk a little, and the talking, shifted things within my boy.

Hugs Bella

and you are BEAUTIFUL, we all have shadow sides, it seems to be part of being human.

@AppleblossomThank you my beautiful friend Apple. I always appreciate your words as they are words of wisdom which I cherish. They stop me from hurting myself. You are a good person. Love peaxxx

@Bunniekins

Go gently on yourself. The punishment thing is strong in me too. I also saw the most terrible consequences with my brother, so no matter what I feel, I keep going on. Mostly its now in my bitten nails, which drives my son mad, but is relatively harmless, and he puts up with it The harder we aspire, the more ideals we have, the further we feel we fall.

There are a lot of good qualities in you, which the forum can feel, those qualities will somehow be reflected in S2 in his own unique way. He needs your mama strength ... for the long haul.

love Apple

Heartbreaking for both of you @Bunniekins but I agree with @Appleblossom I think his being able to say that to you is a good thing and talking to him about it--when he's not upset--will be beneficial for both of you.

This is a completely different circumstance, but my father abandoned me when I was a teenager. About 10 years later we started talking again. And it was awkward, uncomfortable, painful, up and down. But we both kept talking and working at it. Now I see him or talk to him often, and it's not painful anymore.

If you're both willing to talk it out, I really think, eventually, you can both heal. It's not easy Pea, but worth it.

And also @Bunniekins I think the fact you're reflecting on this at all shows what a loving, kind, and caring person you truly are.

@saltandpepper @Appleblossom Thank you both for your kind and caring words they have really helped me settle for the present time. Love you both so much. peaxx

@Bunniekins Very glad to hear it Pea 🙂

The pressures on parents today seems inflated, by images in the media, and we all want happy endings. My biggest years of grief were 1986-7. Cos of my work (which I could only do part time) I saw "inside" a lot of family dynamics as they are played out, it gave me a better sense of realism, than the idealism I had when I entered my marriage.

@saltandpepper Thanks

@Bunniekins Love your pictures, they are sad and meaningful, but they are not the whole you or the whole story. I also am concerned about your tremors and hope pdocs can work on that. Cos my work invovles high level of co-ordination, I have been VERY WARY, and also I saw the effects when I was a child ... yes newer meds have less movement disorders ...but still ...is it worth looking at your personal trauma story with a good therapist, rather than just meds?

I droppped son at railway station to go see his therapist today. He thanked me for the lift. He is working on his gratefulness which is helpful for me, and probably for him in the long run. We have agreed the therapy is too triggering for me, but I am glad he has found one decent person in a wonky system.

Love Apple

I hear you @Bunniekins

Hugs and hugs to you and @Appleblossom and @saltandpepper

I just got off the SANE chat so have nothing to give in the way of wise words or anythung really but just wanted you to know I hear you pea xox

Dear @Bunniekins ,

that sounds so sad, @Appleblossom @has given you great feedback.

I try to remember that things seen through theyes of a child can seem greatly exaggerated and they feel powerless to Change it at the time. It is really good that he can express this to you, he must feel safe to be able to do that. Just keep the lines of communication open for him and reassure him as best you can about how you are now.

peri