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Can't get happy.

Michelle_90Casual Contributor01 Sept 2016, 4:14 pm AEST

Can't get happy.

Hi all.

I went through a lot. I had a difficult childhood and teenage life due to being bullied at school due to having Asperger's syndrome and always needing help with my school work, my acne (called pizza face) and 'issues' (due to self harming) and 'loner'.

When I was 13 my parents found out I was self harming from an anonymous source at school, and they got so angry with me and told lei was just seeking attention, and when I asked to see a counsellor they got angry stop and told me to stop being a drama queen. So I didn't have my parents for support or anyone at school really.

I love my parents and my dad sadly passed away 3 years ago and although I'm still hurt from how horrible they were about my mental illness starting at such a young age, I know that they were probably scared, and I know that they both grew up so poor and gave me and my siblings more than what they were ever given.

But unfortunately due to having no support for many years I fell into an abusive relationship at 17, and was so physically, emotionally, mentally and financially abused I just.. Don't even know how I survived. I was so numb already from suffering so much as a teenager that I just went with it. I guess I thought I deserved it.

My daughter sadly died from head injuries and my abusive ex is now in prison for murder. Myself and my son were given a second chance in life and I am so thankful and have really tried to live my life to the fullest by going to uni and studying a bachelor of counselling and doing some volunteer work and getting my son psychological help as well, we are now in a good place with a wonderful new partner/step father who treats us so wonderfully. I don't know how I have found such a wonderful man or how I deserve it.

But I still just can't seem to find my identity. I'm still so sad and so depressed and no matter what I do I can't seem to get happy. I've tried anti depressants, I currently eat mostly raw food with the occasional chicken and fish, I exercise, am healthy in general but I am still so unhappy.

Don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to enjoy and make the most of the second chance in life I was given but can't get my mood up.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

2 replies

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In response to: Can't get happy.

Unknown userMember01 Sept 2016, 4:52 pm AEST

Re: Can't get happy.

Hi @Michelle_90

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing some of your story. I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been through - it sounds like you could write a book about some of your experiences it hardly seems fair to have gone through so much difficulty in one lifetime. You sound like a strong person, and someone with a lot of gratitude for what you do have. Both lovely qualities to possess, and good ingredients to support our mental health. It is great to hear you have found a new path in life - studying counselling, spending time with your son, and being blessed with a good and kind man to share your life with. I know a lot of fellow members here could relate to that feeling of frustration about not feeling any better, despite your best efforts to do what you're 'supposed to' to recover. I think working through grief and trauma like you are can be a very slow and difficult process... it is not a linear pathway. So I think important to manage your expectations in how you 'should' or 'ought' to be feeling by now. With something like the loss of a child, I can't imagine that sadness will ever truly 'go away'. We discussed some of these ideas in a recent Topic Tuesday event which you might like read about here. You might identify with some of the other members who have struggled with similar things.

Welcome again to the Forums. You are among friends here 🙂

In response to: Can't get happy.

pipSenior Contributor01 Sept 2016, 7:04 pm AEST

Re: Can't get happy.

@Michelle_90. I'm so sorry for your pain, but it sounds as though with everything that's happened, nothing was ever resolved. It's great you're now in a stable, happy relationship, but until you've resolved past issues that are still 'there', happiness will continue to be beyond your reach. Your dad passed before you could bridge the gap you and him had, is your mum still alive? Could you possibly talk to her about the hurt you still have from your dysfunctional childhood? I was similar to you, in that my childhood was dysfunctional. I wasn't able to resolve or 'close the door' on past hurts as my parents were totally unreachable. You've had a shocking life with abusive partner, losing your daughter etc. It sounds as though you feel partly responsible for your daughter and your non-relationship with your parents. There's no magic wands, no words I can say to take away the pain you're in. You do deserve the happiness you have found with your new partner. He loves you for who and what you have become, through what you suffered. Does he know anything about you? You have a beautiful, warm, loving nature and you have been lucky enough to meet a similar person. Instead of looking at what you were, start believing in who you are now. Look at the life you have now, everything you have you deserve. Through the trials and tribulations you suffered as a child, you have learned how not to treat people, you have learned how to give and receive love without reservation. You have grown into a beautiful person and your partner sees you as you are now. I'm not saying 'count your blessings', I'm saying forgive your parents and ex partner, neither of them can ever hurt you again. Both relationships taught you how not to behave. If you can bridge the gap with your mum, that would be wonderful, if however, you can't, it doesn't matter. Be the mother to your surviving child that you never had. That way, your love will be returned unconditionally. True love is totally unconditional. You never had that with mum, dad or previous partner. give it now and reap the benefit.

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