Unlovable

Think the last time I checked in here would've been after my partner left the first time. Well, they're gone now. It's done. 10 years together, done. It's been weeks since they left, but it's really only starting to sink in now. I've been telling everyone I'm ok, and for a minute there I was. I mean I'm ok, but just feeling it now. It's sinking in. Their stuff is gone, the key is here, a life together just gone. Done. Just like that. I feel like I want to cry, it feels like I am on the inside, but it's not coming out. I'm starting to feel sad, starting to see it's really happening this time. I've been waiting for that moment to hit, you know where you're just this wreck of a person that can't possibly function without their other half. It hasn't hit yet. Just this slow, quietly seething ache. Just gradually gnawing away at my insides. The more I look around and see the empty spaces in the house, the tighter it grips at my chest. This feeling, this hollow, gnawing, heavy, tugging weight in my chest... This sense that my eyes want to cry, but they can't. Frustrating.

Life will go on, of course, but suddenly it's not my life. It's unfamiliar, it's empty, it's confusing, it's tiring, it's painful. Those thoughts of everything being my fault, being a complete screw up, being unlovable, being everything I knew I was and never wanted to be... I'm still in two minds, fighting the irrational with reality, but I'm sure it won't be long til I give in. I wish I could cry, just to help relieve these feelings, this weight in my chest, why can't I cry? I'm feeling it all on the inside, and it's hurting to keep it in, but it won't come out. Am I afraid to grieve, because it will be too real? It'll be real. It is real. I hate that I couldn't make this work, that on some level I didn't want to make it work. I hate that all of my shit became a wedge between us. And I hate that you hated me for that. Yeah, I see it, sure, we aren't right for each other, but I tried. I loved you. It was hard, yeah, it's always going to be hard. But I tried. Because I tried so hard, you leaving feels like I've failed, like I'm just not enough, will never be enough. And I feel pathetic even saying that shit because I know it takes both of us to make it work or fuck it all up. I know this isn't all on me, but all the things that are wrong with me, they feel like... Disgusting, revolting... Like I can never be loved. Like I don't deserve to be loved. Maybe I don't. Maybe I got exactly what I deserved.