Trauma and mental health

There are many things I want to say here in a place I can say them.

I've been living so many lies that I have become too tired to even interact with other people.

There is so much I feel the need to hide. My trauma history, my constant mental health battles! My eating disorder, my anxiety, my depression. My sexuality has been largely hidden, as well. My workplace is not supportive of anyone who is not straight. I could lose my job over my sexuality.

Up until recently I was in a long term opposite-sex relationship and that was also a lie and cover-up, because there domestic abuse under the surface. My ex-partner was very different in private, to the point I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them what he did to me. There was no point, because when I tried to tell, they believed him over me.

I tried to go out again, meet new friends, date. But I couldn't stand the hiding that has to happen in those "early days", the pressure to appear normal and perfect.

I'm doing that all day in my work. I've used up all my sick leave because I don't even think I can work at full capacity right now, but if I asked for reduced hours, the question will be "why?" And the lies have to just pile up and pile up.

I am not lying for fun or the thrill of it, I am lying for "my own good". I am lying to keep my job, right? I am lying to make friends (well, I've lost energy for that now).

I wish mental health could be out in the open. How can something that consumes so much of my life and makes things so difficult be so secret? I yelled at my mum this week. I was saying I'm too stressed I need to leave my job and take a break. She said what she has always said, "never admit to being stressed, never admit to being 'not able to cope', never admit to having any mental health issues. Ever." She has been telling me this for years. I ended up yelling at her because I am "TIRED OF THE SHAMING!" She has always felt the need to shame me so I change to not then be shamed by others... I know, weird logic. She has made sure I know I'm not attractive, I know I'm not to admit to being crazy, and I know I'm not to be admit to being gay, either. "Because you know how people think about these things... You know how people will treat you..." I told her, many a times, "I know the world is shit, you don't need to tell me that." She's stopped with the homophobic stuff and other bits, just not the mental illness part. I told her I know how people will treat me, I've lived it.

I've been threatened by a GP to be scheduled when I told him he gave me the wrong Medicare document. I've had my ex and his family 'out' to everyone that I have to see a therapist to discredit what I was saying about his abuse. I've had a couples counsellor who believed my ex over me ask me if I had to "calm down and regulate" when I told him I was unhappy with his process. I know when people know I have mental health issues, they can and will weaponise it for their own ends, to have control in the relationship, maintain control in the relationship, cover up bad practice and avoid having to question themselves. I know this truly and intimately because I have lived it.

So, I am having a mental health crisis but I cannot ask for workplace adjustments. Are you kidding me? Sometimes I wish I had a physical illness to justify that it is so hard for me to work full time and almost impossible! And no, I don't juggle 3 kids and a husband. I need extra time to attend my therapy appointments and try to relax. I try and do everything because I have no explanation as to why I can't...

I've spent most of my life with my body in this bracing position, like someone in a car or an airplane that is about to crash. That is my reality, I rarely feel safe. My heart just pumps all day! Pump pump pump. I end up in these battles with people, I end up in these battles with the world, and I want to change things and make it better. And I can't just chill out.

I'm so tired, I just need to tell someone that I am tired.