How do you even justify seeking help?

Did you have any internal conflict about reaching out, and what counter-arguments did you hear?

I made an appointment with a doctor in my area that has a special interest in mental health. I got to a couple of days before the appointment and then cancelled it.

I don't know if I want to get help. I cancelled my appointment because it is absurd to go to a doctor and say that you're not sure whether you want help.

Getting professional help for your mental illness is a life-changing decision... but it's also really embarrassing. It would make me feel really pathetic.

I have said this before, but it's difficult to see the victory in seeking help when no-one's cheering you on. No-one's going to acknowledge the sheer bravery that you're about to display. No-one's going to know the difference.

People have said that I should seek extensive professional help before I'm "ready" for a relationship, or "ready" to even begin dating or interact with other human beings. Having Depression and being broken make you unloveable. In fact, untouchable.

The problem with that idea is, I don't have anyone right now, so the people that know me in the future are going to know me AFTER I've done all this work. It's like I haven't existed until then.

It implies that people can love me, but not as I am. They're going to love someone who didn't exist until I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to survive without medical intervention. What does that say about me?

Technically, you have to take responsibility for your own health. YOU can acknowledge how brave you are or how far you've come.

That doesn't seem like a good enough motivation, though. I feel like I'm going to take no joy from getting help.

To be real, though, doctors and therapists have probably heard that before, so you'll probably start getting your head around that internal conflict pretty quickly once you start treatment.